Transcript: Preparing For Another Baby
Parent Savers
Preparing For Another Baby
Please be advised, this transcription was performed by a company independent of New Mommy Media, LLC. As such, translation was required which may alter the accuracy of the transcription.
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You and your spouse survive the transition of becoming parents, but now the new baby is on the way there is another member of your family who would be going to through with you this time. How can you help your only child to be ready to become a big brother or sister and what else should your family think about? Now that you have another baby on the way, I am Dr. Debra Pontillo and this is “Parent Savers” episode 68.
Johner Riehl: Welcome everyone to Parent Savers. Once again we are broadcasting from the Birth Education Center of San Diego. Parent Savers is your weekly online on-the-go support group for parents of newborn, infants and toddlers. I am your host Johner Riehl and I have also got our producer Erin in the studio.
Erin Esteves: Hello I am Erin Esteves also known as OG Mamacita. You can follow me at twitter@ogmamacita and I am also updating our Facebook page and looking for virtual panelists. Remember to hash-tag us.
Johner Riehl: Its #ParentSaversVP.
Erin Esteves: Thank you!
Johner Riehl: That’s right! Yeah! So, we record one Saturday a month and if you follow us on Facebook or our Twitter accounts. We would put our notices as to when we are recording and we love to have you guys be part of the conversation. So you can leave us comments and on either of those avenues or just get into touch with Erin directly and she is here moderating her iPad and her laptop. She is a command center of Parent Savers. And thanks again to all of our loyal listeners who joined in the Parent Savers Club already. These members get all of our archived episodes, bonus content after each new show, plus access to special giveaways and discounts and as you all know a great way to stay connected to us is by downloading the free Parent Savers App which is available in the Android and iTunes market place. Get you all the latest episodes immediately when they are available. So you can listen to us on the go when you are working out or doing your laundry or whatever it is you do when you listen to Parent Savers. So as you guys know I am Johner Riehl. I have three boys; a six-year-old, a four-year-old, and a two-year-old and we are joined in studio by a couple of our parent panelists. So we go around and introduce ourselves and also hear from Dr. Pontillo as well.
Cecille Neri: I am Cecille Neri and I am a mother of three kids. My oldest is seven. I have a six-year-old and also a three-year-old boy.
Laurie Babb: I am Laurie Babb. I am a local guide in Yoga practice, meditation and consciousness development. I am forty-one and I have two kids, a two-and-a-half-year-old boy and a five-and-a-half-year-old boy.
Dr. Debra Pontillo: I am Dr. Debra Pontillo and I am a child psychologist, here in San Deigo and my website is www.how2helpmychild.com and I am a mother of two children. I have got a six-year-old daughter and a two-year-old son.
Johner Riehl: And Erin?
Erin Esteves: Oh yeah! I am Erin. I again OG Mamasita that’s for the officially geriatric mom because I am 43 and my son will be 2 this fall!
Johner Riehl: Thanks!
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Johner Riehl: So we are… most of us here except for producer Ann have kind of, been through this where we had to get ready for another baby, while we already had one and perhaps the OG means that that’s not really something that is your future Erin. But the topic is Preparing For Another Baby and getting what to do to get ready when the baby is on the way, not only for your family but also for your child or your children. So today we are talking with Dr. Debra Pontillo and she is going to tell us some tips and strategies to prepare everyone. So thanks for joining us.
Dr. Debra Pontillo: Thank you for having me.
Johner Riehl: So how many families, I mean, just kind of like I guess, maybe you know have it but here in this room 80% of us are making the leap to going from an only child to having multiple kids? How common is it to have more than one?
Dr. Debra Pontillo: It is actually more common. I think the average, I did look it up that, the average family in the US is having 2.3 kids which obviously is into more than one and about 29% of families are having kids of 3 or more and I think that probably stable but what has changed if they have noticed demographically in the last 10 years is that the people having up more children have changed in terms of the fact that, you know, 20-30 years ago, it was usually real people or people in poverty having multiple children. Now we are seeing more of working moms, professionals, educated parents having more than one child because they seem to be better able to keep the career going as well as being a mother.
Johner Riehl: Yeah! It’s interesting that the trend is continuing and even growing and so who is this adjustment, usually hardest, what you to think the parents, do you think it’s really hardest for the kid, does it depend on the age?
Dr. Debra Pontillo: I think hardest is a funny word to assess. But I think, what you are getting at is that, you know, adults, we are adults, you know, and we have grown and developed a way of handling and coping with stresses when they are happening even good stresses, like having a new baby. And children are still in the growth process and they are still developing, you know, and they also have their own emotional needs depending on their age. So they haven’t really adapted and developed coping strategies to handle stresses nor did they choose to have a sibling. It’s not like they got together and said, “Hey, let’s have a baby”. So this is something happening to them. So it’s definitely an added challenge for kids.
Johner Riehl: And so kids need to deal with it. So how can you help prepare your kids? What do you tell them, I guess that depends on the age as well?
Dr. Debra Pontillo: It really does depend on the age, I think you know a large part of it is preparation ahead of time and so you would like you said depending on the age, a really young toddler, you know, we are talking eighteen months - two years might not understand the concept of brother and sister but absolutely you can start talking about babies and you know, mommy’s belly growing and then, you know, helping them to understand, you know where baby sleep and where their baby is going to sleep and that kind of thing and of course older children can be much more involved in the process and understanding what the concept of a sibling is.
Johner Riehl: You know it’s funny when we were going from one to two, I don’t think anybody told us it was going to be easier. I mean, and that was like kind of, because you are it is like, “What is it?” “How is it like having two? Is it easier or is it harder?” And I was like “Oh dude, it’s totally easier like that, the second”. That was like one of those things that even though you will get a different answer from different people are pretty consistent. People like “I am not going to lie, it’s harder when you throw another one into the mix”. Would you guys agree?
Cecille Neri: Definitely, yeah.!
Laurie Babb: Well yeah at first but now that they play together it’s definitely at times it can be easier.
Johner Riehl: Oh yeah, as they get older it’s actually really you know helpful to have like the two come together. But definitely like and especially if it were, you know, we all have kind of similar spacing here too. It is I think like between your oldest might be even close together.
Erin Esteves (Producer): 20 months between the first and the second.
Johner Riehl: Yeah 20 months and mine on 25.
Dr. Debra Pontillo: Four years!
Johner Riehl: Four years!
Cecille Neri: They are almost three 3 years apart.
Johner Riehl: Got it! So I guess it is a little bit and so that those change. I think a little bit between. There is not much you can do with a 20-month-old. So it’s that. You know, 25 was kind of, there was some stuff that we kind of could do and we can talk about that. But then it’s a lot different doing with a four-year-old.
Dr. Debra Pontillo: With a four-year-old, yeah and of course you know at four, not that she didn’t have her own moments. I remember we were talking about adjustment. I am a child psychologist and everyone saying “Oh, you are going to have the most adjusted older sibling”. Well my four-year-old decided, you know she did really well, the first two months and then one morning she just decided that she was going to into the kitchen, grab on to salt and pepper, taking into her bedroom dump it all one carpet. I mean to think that she just knew, she was not supposed to be doing, it was totally attention-getting and totally out at feel and my husband hit the roof and I am like you are a child psychologist what are you doing? Oh no I, it's in an appropriate emotional reaction to her stresser, even though she was really pretty good about it, she still, it was hard, you know.
Johner Riehl: Yeah! Did you guys have good experiences or any negative one is like that?
Cecille Neri: You know, my daughter was 15 months old, when I first found that I was pregnant with my second one. And so we tried to include her in the whole pregnancy and you know, have her touch my tummy and she went to our appointments and stuff. And she seemed to understand really well, until I had the baby. And even though she knew the baby was coming I don’t think she fully comprehended that a baby was coming. Because when I was in the hospital and she came to visit me I just saw the look on her face and she was so confused and so I knew from that point that she really didn’t understand that there was going to be another child in the picture and so for her, you know, I did notice a lot of changes. It was a transition for her because we had also moved into my in-law's place. And I just noticed a change in her behavior. And, you know, it’s hard when you have a second child to focus on the first child.
Johner Riehl: When we talk about this later, we talk about with other people, you know, a lot of people are wondering I was going to ask you Dr. Pontillo if there was an ideal, you know, spacing between kids, but I think in other way to look at that too is like who in this room would recommend the spacing that they have to others or how would you define having gone through it so what do you ….?
Dr. Debra Pontillo: It was intriguing I knew it. I think there is a personal familial variable that you know, taken to account, the mother’s age, where you are socio-economically etc… But there has been a lot of research on spacing and the general consciences seems to be the ideal, not only in terms of that children’s emotional readiness but also the maternal health and readiness for having another baby in terms of their bodies being ready seems to be around three to four years. And that’s just, you know like I said it is overall maternal health and availability as well as a child emotional readiness and ability, it is a sort of understanding the concept of sharing mommy and being able to be independent enough but that’s not too much of the load.
Johner Riehl: And there is obviously a lot of variables that go into that.
Dr. Debra Pontillo: Exactly!
Johner Riehl: Few though and even, you know, you can plan it out like this is what I wanted to do, but then Mother Nature doesn’t cooperate.
Dr. Debra Pontillo: That’s right!
Johner Riehl: So it’s …
Dr. Debra Pontillo: And every family is different too, I mean that if you ask families, there are some families that find that closer siblings are, you know, in age eventually become very, very close. I think that’s potentially why a lot of families do that and I think that’s absolutely true, that they just have more in common. But in the early years, I think you can just be a little additional challenge as well.
Johner Riehl: So Cecille would you recommend to others to have 20 months spacing?
Cecille Neri: I found it very difficult. I say if you have the ability to do it then I think it’s probably better for yourself and for your child if you waited.
Johner Riehl: To wait a bit?
Cecille Neri: Yeah! With my second and my third child there is a 28-month difference and even just that 8 months I think…
Johner Riehl: It’s a big difference!
Cecille Neri: It is...It is.
Johner Riehl: I mean, I even see a difference between our first two being 25 months apart and our second too are 28 months apart. I even that 3 months makes a difference.
Dr. Debra Pontillo: But the language leap that you have between two and a half is huge, so even it is in terms of they are able to comprehend when you are explaining things to them is a huge jump in 3 months.
Johner Riehl: We have been pretty happy with our spacing. That’s why I would recommend… you nailed on three years.
Dr. Debra Pontillo: I know!
Erin Esteves (Producer): Overachiever.
Cecille Neri: You know, isn’t that funny? It wasn’t planned at all.
Johner Riehl: So as, you know, as a mom is pregnant and you know you are getting ready for it in different age kids. What are some things that you can do around the household to start getting ready for the extra baby? And things that you can involve your kids in doing?
Dr. Debra Pontillo: Well I think you know, there are obviously new preparations that have to be made and I always like to suggest that, you know, and no lot of parents do this instinctively. You know, helping the older child or children have a role in choosing for the baby. Choosing what color is for their bedspread and what toys they might like and how to decorate their room and that sort of thing. Just so that they have that added role on participating. But then I think you know, another thing is planning, not just the schedule of the birthday but how life will be like. I mean the older child is you know, you can even start talking about a schedule and going back to preschool, making sure there is a sort of a regular schedule they can fall back into for that predictability what it would be like when mommy might have to breastfeed what will you do during that time and coming up with other new things and kind of giving them that added sort of thought process and of course, you know, that’s not always possible for really young kids but with three and up you certainly figure that.
Johner Riehl: Yeah, maybe two and a half.
Dr. Debra Pontillo: Yeah!
Johner Riehl: You know, it reminds me I think I mention this before when we are talking about something like this, of getting married, you know, so much focus is on the wedding day and not so much focus is necessarily put on or what is it going to be like, to be married. And so it’s kind of the same. It’s easy to put a lot of focus on, you know, the day of the birth and what did, we had a feeling I was just like it’s got my parents come down and watch, but what about afterward?
Dr. Debra Pontillo: That’s right! And I think there is also at sometimes, I don’t know if you guys would agree, where there are sometimes a little bit of anxiety on the mom’s part. Do I stick in back into preschool or stick in back into daycare if they wouldn’t daycare before it isn’t that exile because a new baby is here. And I think you know what it is to reassure parents that it actually can help an older child to go back to a familiar routine that they have been used to. I mean they will also get some of a little bit of space too, I mean their preschool is their place. You know, baby does assure that it’s theirs and the babysitter is theirs, or that caregiver is theirs or daycare is theirs and so they don’t feel afraid of that putting them back in the same routine that they used to ahead of time.
Johner Riehl: Great! There is a lot to continue to talk about. We are actually going to turn this into two parts and when we come back after this break. We are going to talk a little more about the actual birthday, bringing baby home, and a little bit beyond, and then our next episode is actually going to be about sibling rivalries so that these kids get older, we will talk out that as well. So stick around, we will be right back.
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Johner Riehl: Welcome back everyone, today we are talking about Preparing For Another Baby with Dr. Debra Pontillo. So let’s talk about the actual birth dates and involving kids in and I know everybody is talking about how we don’t want to put all the focus here but I think some focus does need to be placed on the event. So what are some preparations that families can make to involve the little kids?
Dr. Debra Pontillo: You know, I think you want to make… the goal really is to help your older child feel special, to help them feel unique, that the attention is not on the arrival of the new baby but that they also get some unique attention and some unique status in a way, because their status is changing and their role in the family is changing, even if they are expecting a third. So you know, there are lots of ideas you can do just to help them feel unique. You know, like I say giving them some control and having them structure the day or some things that they might look forward to. A lot of families talk about gifts that maybe come from the new baby, for the older sibling.
Johner Riehl: Yeah, we had a gift at the hospital from the baby to the older brothers.
Dr. Debra Pontillo: Right! And with my daughter you know, we knew there will be a lot of hustle and bustle and a lot of time she will be just kind of, you know, we would want to give her attention or maybe we can’t. So we got her like a little educational video game toy, just because you know, gosh! We don’t want to feed our kids so much of video but this was kind of an exciting thing and can be that we could leave her alone and she wouldn’t feel neglected, if for 15 minutes. You know, we needed to attend to the baby or something else was disruptive so she was excited and the baby gave it to her and it just gave her that sense of excitement along with having a new brother or sister.
Johner Riehl: Alright! Cecille this was kind of your experience? I mean how did you deal with kids who don’t really understand what was going on? Is it just a normal day for them or how did you build it up?
Cecille Neri: As I said we have moved in with my in-laws, I was so scared of having another baby to deal with by myself. Because I felt so overwhelmed the times with my first one that we moved in with my in-laws and so I tried to encourage her to interact with everybody else in the family because she was such a dependent child. It took her over twelve months of seeing her grandparents on a consistent basis without her crying every time she saw her grandparents. And so I was really afraid that when the baby came that she would really feel really isolated and so I just I tried to encourage her relationship with the grandparents and also to be more dependent on her father as well. And really I just I wanted her to know that there were other people outside of me that she could go to and relate to and those who cared about her. We didn’t really focus too much on the big day. I did tell her I was that I was going to be gone but that she could come and visit and that was only going to be, you know, a couple of nights and they did come in the next day and we bought her a toy and we didn’t say it was from the baby but we wanted her to know that she was very special and nothing was changing because another baby was coming and we just wanted to comfort her and let her know that she was still, you know, she wasn’t any less important because we were adding another person.
Johner Riehl: For us, one of the things that was really hard to figure out once you have one baby was what if you had to go to the hospital like six in the morning, you know, or like three in the morning? Now you have to make other arrangements and you know, we were lucky, Christina’s parents were a couple of hours away in LA but you know, you have to think about those types of arrangements.
Dr. Debra Pontillo: Absolutely! Absolutely! We made it a kind of fun thing, you know, Aunty Joy was going to come over and you know, the nanny was going to or maybe daddy is going to take you to sea world on a weekend. You know, just sort of focusing off it, you know, you might have to adjust to this. But you know, why here is a fun trip just going to come up when the baby is born. Take a look forward to, and yeah you can do that all the time, but certainly in the few weeks postpartum there is nothing wrong with planning you a little look forward to.
Laurie Babb: We are talking a lot about preparing the siblings which may be the kind of theme but I notice from myself on the day of birth like, or , you know, even leading up to that, preparing myself for like, you know, like I am going to have another baby, wow! I was an only child and thinking of sharing this love with another one and well, it was really a big adjustment for me to be moving into that new really intense loving relationship with another person and I almost had to reconcile that I was going to be cheating my other one by sharing somehow, you know.
Johner Riehl: But Christina struggled with that a lot. She didn’t understand wait, I love this one so much! How can I love another!!
Cecille Neri: Yeah, and I felt that way too.
Dr. Debra Pontillo: But you also… you know that you have limited resources and I not to get attention and so you almost feel like, oh! gosh, if I am adding another child am I putting myself then in that fraction smaller to those one or two kids that I already love and of course you know.
Laurie Babb: That was my question you know, I mean how do you as it is I feel like I kind of cheat my kid out of some of my attention or like I can’t be the maximum potential mom, so I can’t even imagine. I am just walking the dog! I can’t imagine how do you reconcile that with another child?
Dr. Debra Pontillo: Well I guess you have to also look at the flip side of the coin which is that you really I mean, for a child to develop emotionally healthy you want them to be able to say “Okay mommy is gone she can’t be with me right this instant when I want her but I know she loves me and I also know she is coming back”. Because that is a piece of healthy emotional growth and to know that, you know, gosh!! There is someone else besides mommy! There is a sibling now. So if I can’t get what I need from mommy gosh! Either I can become more independent and have some more abilities to self suit or be self-directed or I have this other person now who is another source of support or interaction for me so it actually kind of another resource. It is a gift!
Johner Riehl: I think on some level like once we had our second, especially after we had our third, you learn to that you can’t control everything as you may be thought that you could or you would try to do one and you just let him be I want more and actually and then it is actually…
Cecille Neri: Yeah! You can tell how a lot more relaxed with your parents.
Johner Riehl: It’s true! And it’s heartening to see you thrive in that atmosphere…to even though…
Dr. Debra Pontillo: That’s true! And I bet you yourself see them getting positive things from each other that maybe you could or could not have provided in that same way and that’s kind of a neat feeling too.
Johner Riehl: Yeah! It’s definitely the advice to those who are getting ready to have their second or thinking about it is, you know it all works out. And I think it’s one of those things like even going through birth where women are like “Oh my gosh! I can’t believe that this is about to happen”. At least husbands are like that. But you know, it has happened billions of times and there have been you know, many, many instances of siblings and both kids and they kind of take care of themselves.
Dr. Debra Pontillo: That’s it!
Johner Riehl: What about the question and, you know, where do babies come from? What’s going on? You know, it’s obviously an age-appropriate you know kind of level him, what you should tell him but what do you think you should tell kids about what’s going on with, what is this baby doing, where is it coming from?
Dr. Debra Pontillo: I am all for honesty, I think you know its science and you know, there is nothing wrong with telling your children I mean, obviously you are not going to the needy grid of…how, you know, for example, my daughter was very curious and she was…
Johner Riehl: It was a stormy night!!!
Dr. Debra Pontillo: Yeah, we, you know, you wanted to keep it G-rated but my daughter you know, I basically told a special hug and I had to give her the idea of a seed been planted in and, you know, unfortunately, my daughter was kind like, yeah but where does daddy seed come exactly? How does he get out of there?
Johner Riehl: Three or four of the seeds.
Dr. Debra Pontillo: Where is your egg and I am like, enduring the hug, just stay with the hug!
Laurie Babb: My son, went through that just the other day, like details, and like where is this coming from?
Johner Riehl: I tried to stay, you know, honesty but you know, you are not to tell her the whole thing. So we would always, especially (name of the child) was four when Zyler was born and you know, just the same way, yeah we got to go to the doctor and the doctor is the one who wants to have us the baby get out of mommy’s tummy. Well, how will doctor…
Cecille Neri: I am very vague about it too because…I know once I was in that can of worms the questions are going to keep coming and so I tried to avoid the whole conversation.
Laurie Babb: I checked out a book, you know, they talked about pregnancy and it had photos of embryos and these kinds of things, and it talked about the body and the reproductive system, so I showed him that. He was like you know about two and a half, so I don’t know how much he got but he got something out of that and we watched a ton of birthing videos on YouTube.
Johner Riehl: Did you really?
Laurie Babb: Yes, because I was preparing for a home birth. And my midwife said watch birthing videos because I never have even seen a birth except for the one I been through. And I watched it with my son.
Johner Riehl: That’s interesting! I don’t think that it is something that a lot of kids necessarily get to see.
Laurie Babb: It was very good because they…
Erin Esteves (Producer): How did they react?
Laurie Babb: Well right you know because of some of them… it’s clear there in pain, you know and they are like “Oh!” you know and so I was explaining, look and he got to see the whole process so it really dampened his fear around the part.
Johner Riehl: I remember I have seen it, I saw a YouTube video where they showed it is like a bunch of fresh mint girls, they like showed the birthing video and they were taping their reaction to the video and it was just like horror….and then it was like “oh!”… So it’s interesting, you know, that, that is the way that helps this kind of, you know eases his concerns of fears. Because the baby in the tummy is a totally real thing, you know, anyone listening to the show kind of knows from a really early stage and then if you have other kids, they know that the baby is in the tummy and they are putting their hand on it and seeing it. So there is a lot of sign, it is natural for them to be curious.
Dr. Debra Pontillo: Totally natural! You kind of have this sort of feeling comfortable with yourself and then know that, gosh, rather the information comes from me than, you know, sitting under first grade and we are getting all these random facts and they come home and then what…
Cecille Neri: There is some pieces that I do share with them, I guess my concern is what you have said how they make that leap from your side of it to the father’s side and so that’s what I am afraid of addressing, you know, I come from a pretty conservative background myself, my mother was very conservative, and so I don’t even know how to address that issue of how a man and a woman come together to make the baby, because my 7-year-old in particular, she is very curious about these kinds of things. She just has one of those minds that just keeps working and working, she was breathing at 15 months. And so if I even come close to that I know the question is just going to keep coming and I have no idea how I would address.
Erin Esteves (Producer): I think we have another episode!
Johner Riehl: Well let me ask you, we have got Sunny here in the studio helping us out and as many you know, she is the host in Preggie Pals, kind of runs the whole one Mommy Media operation, but she is pregnant with twins. And so we are excited about that. So what about some special considerations for you know, if you are about to have twins or multiples because I feel like that’s almost could doubly or triply as daunting for an older sibling.
Dr. Debra Pontillo: Number one, get help! Gather supports! You know, it is and it isn’t, you know, I think the idea of doubling the work is really an adult concept for a child it’s a change whether there is one little screaming body or two. So I think you know, it is more work and so, as a result, you do need more support and more people involved to help you, help give the twins the attention and still be able to be happier a long time with your older one. But in terms of the concept of mommy is going to be doubly busy or doubly breastfeeding or doubly frazzled. That fortunately I think a little bit more of being an adult concept rather than a child’s concept.
Sunny Gault: Yeah, you know it’s interesting. This is Sunny by the way, I grabbed Erin’s microphone. So yeah it’s interesting because I have two older boys. I have a 3-year-old and then I have 15 month-old, expecting twin girls in December. So yes we are really excited about it, with my older one though I started to do more of the touching mommy’s tummy and showing him my tummy and he can even say “two baby, two baby”. Yes, it’s like he has got this French accent and I now quite understand it but “baby, two baby!” And one of the things we are starting to implement too is we got them both children, both of my boys, these doll babies that look very real and we are starting to, at least my oldest, is really interested in holding the baby, touching the baby and I am trying to get him to start to care for it a little bit. Just a kind of given his mind that there is going to be more babies around and things are going to be more active. So I was going to ask you Dr. Pontillo, do you think that that’s a good idea to start incorporating stuff like that yeah, he is a boy, it is a doll in another way, worried about his masculinity at this time. Is something like that a good idea?
Dr. Debra Pontillo: I guess it is a great idea! It is a great idea! Because you know, it depends on each family is different and how many real-live babies are there around, you know some families have cousins and neighbors and things like that, you know and this might be a totally foreign concept especially for a little boy who just, I can’t tell you why but just gender say, I will say just naturally drawn to different kinds of toys, so the idea that there is a baby and here is what we are going to do and here is how it works and we need to put it to sleep and we need to feed it and… I think it’s great! It's a great education and it's going to really help them understand the concept, you know, the baby is just isn’t something you just stick a soother and walk away for 6 hours. So I love that idea and I think it will work really well.
Sunny Gault: Great!
Erin Esteves (Producer): I put out a question on our Facebook page asking what shocked people the most about their child’s reaction when they brought their second child home. And I got a response from Natalia or Natalie a reader, I am sorry I just massacred your name, but she tells me that what really surprised her was; she had a home birth, and so her first child got to meet the second child almost immediately also but what surprised her was the first kid was totally okay with going over to the aunt and uncle’s next door and having a sleepover there and letting mom and dad kind of snuggle a nest with the new baby. So I found that…. I thought that was a need for her to chime in.
Dr. Debra Pontillo: That’s a great point because you know something that I have counseled parents with before is you really want it obviously enables a healthy bond between the older sibling and the younger ones but you don’t want to force it. You know, every child is going to be ready at their own pace and they might not just want to hang out with the baby and “ooh and aah” and be there the older one and the nurturing one or they may only want to do it in spurts and then they really want to go back to their life, they wanted to go back to their independence and you know so it’s great to have that, you know, that comment because it just points out to the fact that, you know, they may or may not be interested right then and there to kind of be involved and bond and so you know, so not forcing it is a great strategy.
Johner Riehl: Yeah I think if we look at how kids react and then how, you know, maybe some of them will like it or not. It’s a nice transition to end this episode and get ready for the next one which is going to be on Sibling Rivalry. So definitely check out the next episode for those you are listening to (unclear) comes out, that will be out next and for those of you who listen to archived episodes that will be the next episode in the series. So thank you so much to Dr. Debra Pontillo for joining us today. For more information on Preparing For Another Baby or more information on any of our panelists please visit the episode page and our website. We are actually going to continue the conversation briefly for members of our Parent Savers club after the show. She is going to tell us a little bit more about some resources for families having another baby. I know we talked a little bit about books and DVDs and that’s one of the things Laurie did so we will talk about it some specific ideas that we had for that. So for more information about The Mighty Moms Club, visit our website https://www.newmommymedia.com.
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Johner Riehl: Now we are listener calling out from Kerry. She tells us she has just joined the Parent Savers Club. I have to say my favorite part is the extra bonus content after each new show. I usually listen to the App and I wanted to if there is a way to listen online as well.
Sunny Gault: Hai, everyone, I am Sunny, I am one of the producers on Parent Savers and I love to answer to your question Kerry. First of all, thank you for joining our club. And yes as far as the extra bonus content all you have to do is head on over to www.parentsavers.com go over to the members’ section, click on the login area, enter the same information that you enter on your App in order to login and you will be able to access the bonus content from there as well. Now as if you are at work or something like that and you kind of want to listen when you are right in front of a computer, so Kerry thank you so much for your question.
Johner Riehl: That wraps things up for this week’s episode. We appreciate your listening. Don’t forget to check out our sister show Preggie Pals for Expecting Parents and our show The Boob Group for Moms Who Breastfeed Their Babies. Next week as I said we are going to be talking more with Dr. Pontillo and Laurie and Cecille and Erin and I think Sunny will chime in as well about what happens as the baby gets older and a sibling rivalry starts to rear its heads. This is Parent Savers! Empowering new parents!
[Disclaimer]
This has been a New Mommy Media production. Information and material contained in this episode are presented for educational purposes only. Statements and opinions expressed in this episode are not necessarily those of New Mommy Media and should not be considered facts. Though information in which areas are related to be accurate, it is not intended to replace or substitute for professional, Medical or advisor care and should not be used for diagnosing or treating health care problem or disease or prescribing any medications. If you have questions or concerns regarding your physical or mental health or the health of your baby, please seek assistance from a qualified health care provider.
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Episode Transcript
Parent Savers
Preparing For Another Baby
Please be advised, this transcription was performed by a company independent of New Mommy Media, LLC. As such, translation was required which may alter the accuracy of the transcription.
[00:00:00]
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You and your spouse survive the transition of becoming parents, but now the new baby is on the way there is another member of your family who would be going to through with you this time. How can you help your only child to be ready to become a big brother or sister and what else should your family think about? Now that you have another baby on the way, I am Dr. Debra Pontillo and this is “Parent Savers” episode 68.
Johner Riehl: Welcome everyone to Parent Savers. Once again we are broadcasting from the Birth Education Center of San Diego. Parent Savers is your weekly online on-the-go support group for parents of newborn, infants and toddlers. I am your host Johner Riehl and I have also got our producer Erin in the studio.
Erin Esteves: Hello I am Erin Esteves also known as OG Mamacita. You can follow me at twitter@ogmamacita and I am also updating our Facebook page and looking for virtual panelists. Remember to hash-tag us.
Johner Riehl: Its #ParentSaversVP.
Erin Esteves: Thank you!
Johner Riehl: That’s right! Yeah! So, we record one Saturday a month and if you follow us on Facebook or our Twitter accounts. We would put our notices as to when we are recording and we love to have you guys be part of the conversation. So you can leave us comments and on either of those avenues or just get into touch with Erin directly and she is here moderating her iPad and her laptop. She is a command center of Parent Savers. And thanks again to all of our loyal listeners who joined in the Parent Savers Club already. These members get all of our archived episodes, bonus content after each new show, plus access to special giveaways and discounts and as you all know a great way to stay connected to us is by downloading the free Parent Savers App which is available in the Android and iTunes market place. Get you all the latest episodes immediately when they are available. So you can listen to us on the go when you are working out or doing your laundry or whatever it is you do when you listen to Parent Savers. So as you guys know I am Johner Riehl. I have three boys; a six-year-old, a four-year-old, and a two-year-old and we are joined in studio by a couple of our parent panelists. So we go around and introduce ourselves and also hear from Dr. Pontillo as well.
Cecille Neri: I am Cecille Neri and I am a mother of three kids. My oldest is seven. I have a six-year-old and also a three-year-old boy.
Laurie Babb: I am Laurie Babb. I am a local guide in Yoga practice, meditation and consciousness development. I am forty-one and I have two kids, a two-and-a-half-year-old boy and a five-and-a-half-year-old boy.
Dr. Debra Pontillo: I am Dr. Debra Pontillo and I am a child psychologist, here in San Deigo and my website is www.how2helpmychild.com and I am a mother of two children. I have got a six-year-old daughter and a two-year-old son.
Johner Riehl: And Erin?
Erin Esteves: Oh yeah! I am Erin. I again OG Mamasita that’s for the officially geriatric mom because I am 43 and my son will be 2 this fall!
Johner Riehl: Thanks!
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Johner Riehl: So we are… most of us here except for producer Ann have kind of, been through this where we had to get ready for another baby, while we already had one and perhaps the OG means that that’s not really something that is your future Erin. But the topic is Preparing For Another Baby and getting what to do to get ready when the baby is on the way, not only for your family but also for your child or your children. So today we are talking with Dr. Debra Pontillo and she is going to tell us some tips and strategies to prepare everyone. So thanks for joining us.
Dr. Debra Pontillo: Thank you for having me.
Johner Riehl: So how many families, I mean, just kind of like I guess, maybe you know have it but here in this room 80% of us are making the leap to going from an only child to having multiple kids? How common is it to have more than one?
Dr. Debra Pontillo: It is actually more common. I think the average, I did look it up that, the average family in the US is having 2.3 kids which obviously is into more than one and about 29% of families are having kids of 3 or more and I think that probably stable but what has changed if they have noticed demographically in the last 10 years is that the people having up more children have changed in terms of the fact that, you know, 20-30 years ago, it was usually real people or people in poverty having multiple children. Now we are seeing more of working moms, professionals, educated parents having more than one child because they seem to be better able to keep the career going as well as being a mother.
Johner Riehl: Yeah! It’s interesting that the trend is continuing and even growing and so who is this adjustment, usually hardest, what you to think the parents, do you think it’s really hardest for the kid, does it depend on the age?
Dr. Debra Pontillo: I think hardest is a funny word to assess. But I think, what you are getting at is that, you know, adults, we are adults, you know, and we have grown and developed a way of handling and coping with stresses when they are happening even good stresses, like having a new baby. And children are still in the growth process and they are still developing, you know, and they also have their own emotional needs depending on their age. So they haven’t really adapted and developed coping strategies to handle stresses nor did they choose to have a sibling. It’s not like they got together and said, “Hey, let’s have a baby”. So this is something happening to them. So it’s definitely an added challenge for kids.
Johner Riehl: And so kids need to deal with it. So how can you help prepare your kids? What do you tell them, I guess that depends on the age as well?
Dr. Debra Pontillo: It really does depend on the age, I think you know a large part of it is preparation ahead of time and so you would like you said depending on the age, a really young toddler, you know, we are talking eighteen months - two years might not understand the concept of brother and sister but absolutely you can start talking about babies and you know, mommy’s belly growing and then, you know, helping them to understand, you know where baby sleep and where their baby is going to sleep and that kind of thing and of course older children can be much more involved in the process and understanding what the concept of a sibling is.
Johner Riehl: You know it’s funny when we were going from one to two, I don’t think anybody told us it was going to be easier. I mean, and that was like kind of, because you are it is like, “What is it?” “How is it like having two? Is it easier or is it harder?” And I was like “Oh dude, it’s totally easier like that, the second”. That was like one of those things that even though you will get a different answer from different people are pretty consistent. People like “I am not going to lie, it’s harder when you throw another one into the mix”. Would you guys agree?
Cecille Neri: Definitely, yeah.!
Laurie Babb: Well yeah at first but now that they play together it’s definitely at times it can be easier.
Johner Riehl: Oh yeah, as they get older it’s actually really you know helpful to have like the two come together. But definitely like and especially if it were, you know, we all have kind of similar spacing here too. It is I think like between your oldest might be even close together.
Erin Esteves (Producer): 20 months between the first and the second.
Johner Riehl: Yeah 20 months and mine on 25.
Dr. Debra Pontillo: Four years!
Johner Riehl: Four years!
Cecille Neri: They are almost three 3 years apart.
Johner Riehl: Got it! So I guess it is a little bit and so that those change. I think a little bit between. There is not much you can do with a 20-month-old. So it’s that. You know, 25 was kind of, there was some stuff that we kind of could do and we can talk about that. But then it’s a lot different doing with a four-year-old.
Dr. Debra Pontillo: With a four-year-old, yeah and of course you know at four, not that she didn’t have her own moments. I remember we were talking about adjustment. I am a child psychologist and everyone saying “Oh, you are going to have the most adjusted older sibling”. Well my four-year-old decided, you know she did really well, the first two months and then one morning she just decided that she was going to into the kitchen, grab on to salt and pepper, taking into her bedroom dump it all one carpet. I mean to think that she just knew, she was not supposed to be doing, it was totally attention-getting and totally out at feel and my husband hit the roof and I am like you are a child psychologist what are you doing? Oh no I, it's in an appropriate emotional reaction to her stresser, even though she was really pretty good about it, she still, it was hard, you know.
Johner Riehl: Yeah! Did you guys have good experiences or any negative one is like that?
Cecille Neri: You know, my daughter was 15 months old, when I first found that I was pregnant with my second one. And so we tried to include her in the whole pregnancy and you know, have her touch my tummy and she went to our appointments and stuff. And she seemed to understand really well, until I had the baby. And even though she knew the baby was coming I don’t think she fully comprehended that a baby was coming. Because when I was in the hospital and she came to visit me I just saw the look on her face and she was so confused and so I knew from that point that she really didn’t understand that there was going to be another child in the picture and so for her, you know, I did notice a lot of changes. It was a transition for her because we had also moved into my in-law's place. And I just noticed a change in her behavior. And, you know, it’s hard when you have a second child to focus on the first child.
Johner Riehl: When we talk about this later, we talk about with other people, you know, a lot of people are wondering I was going to ask you Dr. Pontillo if there was an ideal, you know, spacing between kids, but I think in other way to look at that too is like who in this room would recommend the spacing that they have to others or how would you define having gone through it so what do you ….?
Dr. Debra Pontillo: It was intriguing I knew it. I think there is a personal familial variable that you know, taken to account, the mother’s age, where you are socio-economically etc… But there has been a lot of research on spacing and the general consciences seems to be the ideal, not only in terms of that children’s emotional readiness but also the maternal health and readiness for having another baby in terms of their bodies being ready seems to be around three to four years. And that’s just, you know like I said it is overall maternal health and availability as well as a child emotional readiness and ability, it is a sort of understanding the concept of sharing mommy and being able to be independent enough but that’s not too much of the load.
Johner Riehl: And there is obviously a lot of variables that go into that.
Dr. Debra Pontillo: Exactly!
Johner Riehl: Few though and even, you know, you can plan it out like this is what I wanted to do, but then Mother Nature doesn’t cooperate.
Dr. Debra Pontillo: That’s right!
Johner Riehl: So it’s …
Dr. Debra Pontillo: And every family is different too, I mean that if you ask families, there are some families that find that closer siblings are, you know, in age eventually become very, very close. I think that’s potentially why a lot of families do that and I think that’s absolutely true, that they just have more in common. But in the early years, I think you can just be a little additional challenge as well.
Johner Riehl: So Cecille would you recommend to others to have 20 months spacing?
Cecille Neri: I found it very difficult. I say if you have the ability to do it then I think it’s probably better for yourself and for your child if you waited.
Johner Riehl: To wait a bit?
Cecille Neri: Yeah! With my second and my third child there is a 28-month difference and even just that 8 months I think…
Johner Riehl: It’s a big difference!
Cecille Neri: It is...It is.
Johner Riehl: I mean, I even see a difference between our first two being 25 months apart and our second too are 28 months apart. I even that 3 months makes a difference.
Dr. Debra Pontillo: But the language leap that you have between two and a half is huge, so even it is in terms of they are able to comprehend when you are explaining things to them is a huge jump in 3 months.
Johner Riehl: We have been pretty happy with our spacing. That’s why I would recommend… you nailed on three years.
Dr. Debra Pontillo: I know!
Erin Esteves (Producer): Overachiever.
Cecille Neri: You know, isn’t that funny? It wasn’t planned at all.
Johner Riehl: So as, you know, as a mom is pregnant and you know you are getting ready for it in different age kids. What are some things that you can do around the household to start getting ready for the extra baby? And things that you can involve your kids in doing?
Dr. Debra Pontillo: Well I think you know, there are obviously new preparations that have to be made and I always like to suggest that, you know, and no lot of parents do this instinctively. You know, helping the older child or children have a role in choosing for the baby. Choosing what color is for their bedspread and what toys they might like and how to decorate their room and that sort of thing. Just so that they have that added role on participating. But then I think you know, another thing is planning, not just the schedule of the birthday but how life will be like. I mean the older child is you know, you can even start talking about a schedule and going back to preschool, making sure there is a sort of a regular schedule they can fall back into for that predictability what it would be like when mommy might have to breastfeed what will you do during that time and coming up with other new things and kind of giving them that added sort of thought process and of course, you know, that’s not always possible for really young kids but with three and up you certainly figure that.
Johner Riehl: Yeah, maybe two and a half.
Dr. Debra Pontillo: Yeah!
Johner Riehl: You know, it reminds me I think I mention this before when we are talking about something like this, of getting married, you know, so much focus is on the wedding day and not so much focus is necessarily put on or what is it going to be like, to be married. And so it’s kind of the same. It’s easy to put a lot of focus on, you know, the day of the birth and what did, we had a feeling I was just like it’s got my parents come down and watch, but what about afterward?
Dr. Debra Pontillo: That’s right! And I think there is also at sometimes, I don’t know if you guys would agree, where there are sometimes a little bit of anxiety on the mom’s part. Do I stick in back into preschool or stick in back into daycare if they wouldn’t daycare before it isn’t that exile because a new baby is here. And I think you know what it is to reassure parents that it actually can help an older child to go back to a familiar routine that they have been used to. I mean they will also get some of a little bit of space too, I mean their preschool is their place. You know, baby does assure that it’s theirs and the babysitter is theirs, or that caregiver is theirs or daycare is theirs and so they don’t feel afraid of that putting them back in the same routine that they used to ahead of time.
Johner Riehl: Great! There is a lot to continue to talk about. We are actually going to turn this into two parts and when we come back after this break. We are going to talk a little more about the actual birthday, bringing baby home, and a little bit beyond, and then our next episode is actually going to be about sibling rivalries so that these kids get older, we will talk out that as well. So stick around, we will be right back.
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Johner Riehl: Welcome back everyone, today we are talking about Preparing For Another Baby with Dr. Debra Pontillo. So let’s talk about the actual birth dates and involving kids in and I know everybody is talking about how we don’t want to put all the focus here but I think some focus does need to be placed on the event. So what are some preparations that families can make to involve the little kids?
Dr. Debra Pontillo: You know, I think you want to make… the goal really is to help your older child feel special, to help them feel unique, that the attention is not on the arrival of the new baby but that they also get some unique attention and some unique status in a way, because their status is changing and their role in the family is changing, even if they are expecting a third. So you know, there are lots of ideas you can do just to help them feel unique. You know, like I say giving them some control and having them structure the day or some things that they might look forward to. A lot of families talk about gifts that maybe come from the new baby, for the older sibling.
Johner Riehl: Yeah, we had a gift at the hospital from the baby to the older brothers.
Dr. Debra Pontillo: Right! And with my daughter you know, we knew there will be a lot of hustle and bustle and a lot of time she will be just kind of, you know, we would want to give her attention or maybe we can’t. So we got her like a little educational video game toy, just because you know, gosh! We don’t want to feed our kids so much of video but this was kind of an exciting thing and can be that we could leave her alone and she wouldn’t feel neglected, if for 15 minutes. You know, we needed to attend to the baby or something else was disruptive so she was excited and the baby gave it to her and it just gave her that sense of excitement along with having a new brother or sister.
Johner Riehl: Alright! Cecille this was kind of your experience? I mean how did you deal with kids who don’t really understand what was going on? Is it just a normal day for them or how did you build it up?
Cecille Neri: As I said we have moved in with my in-laws, I was so scared of having another baby to deal with by myself. Because I felt so overwhelmed the times with my first one that we moved in with my in-laws and so I tried to encourage her to interact with everybody else in the family because she was such a dependent child. It took her over twelve months of seeing her grandparents on a consistent basis without her crying every time she saw her grandparents. And so I was really afraid that when the baby came that she would really feel really isolated and so I just I tried to encourage her relationship with the grandparents and also to be more dependent on her father as well. And really I just I wanted her to know that there were other people outside of me that she could go to and relate to and those who cared about her. We didn’t really focus too much on the big day. I did tell her I was that I was going to be gone but that she could come and visit and that was only going to be, you know, a couple of nights and they did come in the next day and we bought her a toy and we didn’t say it was from the baby but we wanted her to know that she was very special and nothing was changing because another baby was coming and we just wanted to comfort her and let her know that she was still, you know, she wasn’t any less important because we were adding another person.
Johner Riehl: For us, one of the things that was really hard to figure out once you have one baby was what if you had to go to the hospital like six in the morning, you know, or like three in the morning? Now you have to make other arrangements and you know, we were lucky, Christina’s parents were a couple of hours away in LA but you know, you have to think about those types of arrangements.
Dr. Debra Pontillo: Absolutely! Absolutely! We made it a kind of fun thing, you know, Aunty Joy was going to come over and you know, the nanny was going to or maybe daddy is going to take you to sea world on a weekend. You know, just sort of focusing off it, you know, you might have to adjust to this. But you know, why here is a fun trip just going to come up when the baby is born. Take a look forward to, and yeah you can do that all the time, but certainly in the few weeks postpartum there is nothing wrong with planning you a little look forward to.
Laurie Babb: We are talking a lot about preparing the siblings which may be the kind of theme but I notice from myself on the day of birth like, or , you know, even leading up to that, preparing myself for like, you know, like I am going to have another baby, wow! I was an only child and thinking of sharing this love with another one and well, it was really a big adjustment for me to be moving into that new really intense loving relationship with another person and I almost had to reconcile that I was going to be cheating my other one by sharing somehow, you know.
Johner Riehl: But Christina struggled with that a lot. She didn’t understand wait, I love this one so much! How can I love another!!
Cecille Neri: Yeah, and I felt that way too.
Dr. Debra Pontillo: But you also… you know that you have limited resources and I not to get attention and so you almost feel like, oh! gosh, if I am adding another child am I putting myself then in that fraction smaller to those one or two kids that I already love and of course you know.
Laurie Babb: That was my question you know, I mean how do you as it is I feel like I kind of cheat my kid out of some of my attention or like I can’t be the maximum potential mom, so I can’t even imagine. I am just walking the dog! I can’t imagine how do you reconcile that with another child?
Dr. Debra Pontillo: Well I guess you have to also look at the flip side of the coin which is that you really I mean, for a child to develop emotionally healthy you want them to be able to say “Okay mommy is gone she can’t be with me right this instant when I want her but I know she loves me and I also know she is coming back”. Because that is a piece of healthy emotional growth and to know that, you know, gosh!! There is someone else besides mommy! There is a sibling now. So if I can’t get what I need from mommy gosh! Either I can become more independent and have some more abilities to self suit or be self-directed or I have this other person now who is another source of support or interaction for me so it actually kind of another resource. It is a gift!
Johner Riehl: I think on some level like once we had our second, especially after we had our third, you learn to that you can’t control everything as you may be thought that you could or you would try to do one and you just let him be I want more and actually and then it is actually…
Cecille Neri: Yeah! You can tell how a lot more relaxed with your parents.
Johner Riehl: It’s true! And it’s heartening to see you thrive in that atmosphere…to even though…
Dr. Debra Pontillo: That’s true! And I bet you yourself see them getting positive things from each other that maybe you could or could not have provided in that same way and that’s kind of a neat feeling too.
Johner Riehl: Yeah! It’s definitely the advice to those who are getting ready to have their second or thinking about it is, you know it all works out. And I think it’s one of those things like even going through birth where women are like “Oh my gosh! I can’t believe that this is about to happen”. At least husbands are like that. But you know, it has happened billions of times and there have been you know, many, many instances of siblings and both kids and they kind of take care of themselves.
Dr. Debra Pontillo: That’s it!
Johner Riehl: What about the question and, you know, where do babies come from? What’s going on? You know, it’s obviously an age-appropriate you know kind of level him, what you should tell him but what do you think you should tell kids about what’s going on with, what is this baby doing, where is it coming from?
Dr. Debra Pontillo: I am all for honesty, I think you know its science and you know, there is nothing wrong with telling your children I mean, obviously you are not going to the needy grid of…how, you know, for example, my daughter was very curious and she was…
Johner Riehl: It was a stormy night!!!
Dr. Debra Pontillo: Yeah, we, you know, you wanted to keep it G-rated but my daughter you know, I basically told a special hug and I had to give her the idea of a seed been planted in and, you know, unfortunately, my daughter was kind like, yeah but where does daddy seed come exactly? How does he get out of there?
Johner Riehl: Three or four of the seeds.
Dr. Debra Pontillo: Where is your egg and I am like, enduring the hug, just stay with the hug!
Laurie Babb: My son, went through that just the other day, like details, and like where is this coming from?
Johner Riehl: I tried to stay, you know, honesty but you know, you are not to tell her the whole thing. So we would always, especially (name of the child) was four when Zyler was born and you know, just the same way, yeah we got to go to the doctor and the doctor is the one who wants to have us the baby get out of mommy’s tummy. Well, how will doctor…
Cecille Neri: I am very vague about it too because…I know once I was in that can of worms the questions are going to keep coming and so I tried to avoid the whole conversation.
Laurie Babb: I checked out a book, you know, they talked about pregnancy and it had photos of embryos and these kinds of things, and it talked about the body and the reproductive system, so I showed him that. He was like you know about two and a half, so I don’t know how much he got but he got something out of that and we watched a ton of birthing videos on YouTube.
Johner Riehl: Did you really?
Laurie Babb: Yes, because I was preparing for a home birth. And my midwife said watch birthing videos because I never have even seen a birth except for the one I been through. And I watched it with my son.
Johner Riehl: That’s interesting! I don’t think that it is something that a lot of kids necessarily get to see.
Laurie Babb: It was very good because they…
Erin Esteves (Producer): How did they react?
Laurie Babb: Well right you know because of some of them… it’s clear there in pain, you know and they are like “Oh!” you know and so I was explaining, look and he got to see the whole process so it really dampened his fear around the part.
Johner Riehl: I remember I have seen it, I saw a YouTube video where they showed it is like a bunch of fresh mint girls, they like showed the birthing video and they were taping their reaction to the video and it was just like horror….and then it was like “oh!”… So it’s interesting, you know, that, that is the way that helps this kind of, you know eases his concerns of fears. Because the baby in the tummy is a totally real thing, you know, anyone listening to the show kind of knows from a really early stage and then if you have other kids, they know that the baby is in the tummy and they are putting their hand on it and seeing it. So there is a lot of sign, it is natural for them to be curious.
Dr. Debra Pontillo: Totally natural! You kind of have this sort of feeling comfortable with yourself and then know that, gosh, rather the information comes from me than, you know, sitting under first grade and we are getting all these random facts and they come home and then what…
Cecille Neri: There is some pieces that I do share with them, I guess my concern is what you have said how they make that leap from your side of it to the father’s side and so that’s what I am afraid of addressing, you know, I come from a pretty conservative background myself, my mother was very conservative, and so I don’t even know how to address that issue of how a man and a woman come together to make the baby, because my 7-year-old in particular, she is very curious about these kinds of things. She just has one of those minds that just keeps working and working, she was breathing at 15 months. And so if I even come close to that I know the question is just going to keep coming and I have no idea how I would address.
Erin Esteves (Producer): I think we have another episode!
Johner Riehl: Well let me ask you, we have got Sunny here in the studio helping us out and as many you know, she is the host in Preggie Pals, kind of runs the whole one Mommy Media operation, but she is pregnant with twins. And so we are excited about that. So what about some special considerations for you know, if you are about to have twins or multiples because I feel like that’s almost could doubly or triply as daunting for an older sibling.
Dr. Debra Pontillo: Number one, get help! Gather supports! You know, it is and it isn’t, you know, I think the idea of doubling the work is really an adult concept for a child it’s a change whether there is one little screaming body or two. So I think you know, it is more work and so, as a result, you do need more support and more people involved to help you, help give the twins the attention and still be able to be happier a long time with your older one. But in terms of the concept of mommy is going to be doubly busy or doubly breastfeeding or doubly frazzled. That fortunately I think a little bit more of being an adult concept rather than a child’s concept.
Sunny Gault: Yeah, you know it’s interesting. This is Sunny by the way, I grabbed Erin’s microphone. So yeah it’s interesting because I have two older boys. I have a 3-year-old and then I have 15 month-old, expecting twin girls in December. So yes we are really excited about it, with my older one though I started to do more of the touching mommy’s tummy and showing him my tummy and he can even say “two baby, two baby”. Yes, it’s like he has got this French accent and I now quite understand it but “baby, two baby!” And one of the things we are starting to implement too is we got them both children, both of my boys, these doll babies that look very real and we are starting to, at least my oldest, is really interested in holding the baby, touching the baby and I am trying to get him to start to care for it a little bit. Just a kind of given his mind that there is going to be more babies around and things are going to be more active. So I was going to ask you Dr. Pontillo, do you think that that’s a good idea to start incorporating stuff like that yeah, he is a boy, it is a doll in another way, worried about his masculinity at this time. Is something like that a good idea?
Dr. Debra Pontillo: I guess it is a great idea! It is a great idea! Because you know, it depends on each family is different and how many real-live babies are there around, you know some families have cousins and neighbors and things like that, you know and this might be a totally foreign concept especially for a little boy who just, I can’t tell you why but just gender say, I will say just naturally drawn to different kinds of toys, so the idea that there is a baby and here is what we are going to do and here is how it works and we need to put it to sleep and we need to feed it and… I think it’s great! It's a great education and it's going to really help them understand the concept, you know, the baby is just isn’t something you just stick a soother and walk away for 6 hours. So I love that idea and I think it will work really well.
Sunny Gault: Great!
Erin Esteves (Producer): I put out a question on our Facebook page asking what shocked people the most about their child’s reaction when they brought their second child home. And I got a response from Natalia or Natalie a reader, I am sorry I just massacred your name, but she tells me that what really surprised her was; she had a home birth, and so her first child got to meet the second child almost immediately also but what surprised her was the first kid was totally okay with going over to the aunt and uncle’s next door and having a sleepover there and letting mom and dad kind of snuggle a nest with the new baby. So I found that…. I thought that was a need for her to chime in.
Dr. Debra Pontillo: That’s a great point because you know something that I have counseled parents with before is you really want it obviously enables a healthy bond between the older sibling and the younger ones but you don’t want to force it. You know, every child is going to be ready at their own pace and they might not just want to hang out with the baby and “ooh and aah” and be there the older one and the nurturing one or they may only want to do it in spurts and then they really want to go back to their life, they wanted to go back to their independence and you know so it’s great to have that, you know, that comment because it just points out to the fact that, you know, they may or may not be interested right then and there to kind of be involved and bond and so you know, so not forcing it is a great strategy.
Johner Riehl: Yeah I think if we look at how kids react and then how, you know, maybe some of them will like it or not. It’s a nice transition to end this episode and get ready for the next one which is going to be on Sibling Rivalry. So definitely check out the next episode for those you are listening to (unclear) comes out, that will be out next and for those of you who listen to archived episodes that will be the next episode in the series. So thank you so much to Dr. Debra Pontillo for joining us today. For more information on Preparing For Another Baby or more information on any of our panelists please visit the episode page and our website. We are actually going to continue the conversation briefly for members of our Parent Savers club after the show. She is going to tell us a little bit more about some resources for families having another baby. I know we talked a little bit about books and DVDs and that’s one of the things Laurie did so we will talk about it some specific ideas that we had for that. So for more information about The Mighty Moms Club, visit our website https://www.newmommymedia.com.
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Johner Riehl: Now we are listener calling out from Kerry. She tells us she has just joined the Parent Savers Club. I have to say my favorite part is the extra bonus content after each new show. I usually listen to the App and I wanted to if there is a way to listen online as well.
Sunny Gault: Hai, everyone, I am Sunny, I am one of the producers on Parent Savers and I love to answer to your question Kerry. First of all, thank you for joining our club. And yes as far as the extra bonus content all you have to do is head on over to www.parentsavers.com go over to the members’ section, click on the login area, enter the same information that you enter on your App in order to login and you will be able to access the bonus content from there as well. Now as if you are at work or something like that and you kind of want to listen when you are right in front of a computer, so Kerry thank you so much for your question.
Johner Riehl: That wraps things up for this week’s episode. We appreciate your listening. Don’t forget to check out our sister show Preggie Pals for Expecting Parents and our show The Boob Group for Moms Who Breastfeed Their Babies. Next week as I said we are going to be talking more with Dr. Pontillo and Laurie and Cecille and Erin and I think Sunny will chime in as well about what happens as the baby gets older and a sibling rivalry starts to rear its heads. This is Parent Savers! Empowering new parents!
[Disclaimer]
This has been a New Mommy Media production. Information and material contained in this episode are presented for educational purposes only. Statements and opinions expressed in this episode are not necessarily those of New Mommy Media and should not be considered facts. Though information in which areas are related to be accurate, it is not intended to replace or substitute for professional, Medical or advisor care and should not be used for diagnosing or treating health care problem or disease or prescribing any medications. If you have questions or concerns regarding your physical or mental health or the health of your baby, please seek assistance from a qualified health care provider.
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