Transcript: Father’s Day Special: Ask Dad Anything
Parent Savers
Father’s Day Special: Ask Dad Anything
Please be advised, this transcription was performed from a company independent of New Mommy Media, LLC. As such, translation was required which may alter the accuracy of the transcription.
SUNNY GAULT: Hey Parent Savers, we have a special announcement before we start the show. New Mommy Media, the parent company of Parent Savers, is looking for moms and dads to join our new sales team and help so advertising on our shows. This is a great opportunity for parents who are looking for job where they can work from home and still be able to spend some time with their kids. Visit www.newmommymedia.com/jobs for details.
[Theme Music]
JOHNER RIEHL: We’re dads and you love us or something like that. But did you really understand us and what we’re thinking? Sure we may be the father of your children, your soul mate, your best friend but we admit we can also baffle and bewilder you. Today is your chance to find out anything you want from dads. We got a round table here and you can ask us anything and we promise we’ll answer. This is Parent Savers.
[Theme Music/Intro]
JOHNER RIEHL: Welcome to Parent Savers broadcasting from the birth education centre of San Diego. Parent Savers is your weekly online on the go support group for parent from the newborn years through kindergarten. I’m your host Johner Riehl. Thanks again to all of our loyal listeners who join us week in and week out and thanks also to those of you who are listening for the first time.
As you may know you can join our Parent Savers club and receive access to special bonus content after each new show plus special giveaways and discounts from time to time. If you haven’t already please make sure to download the free Parent Savers app, available in the Android and ITunes market place and for Windows phone so you can automatically have access to all the great parenting advice and conversation we have on Parents Savers every week.
Let’s start today’s conversation by meeting everyone who is joining us in the room. In addition to our dads we have some special guest at least special to me. But so my name is Johner and I’m a dad of three boys and two of them are joining us in the room today. The third one is around somewhere but I don’t know where. But hopefully…
SUNNY GAULT: Oops.
JOHNER RIEHL: Anyway we have seven year old Quinner who’s my oldest. Can you say hi?
QUINNER: Hi.
JOHNER RIEHL: And five year old Whitaker.
WHITAKER: Hi.
JOHNER RIEHL: And Quinner is here as part of his Cub Scout pact. He’s learning about broadcasting and how people distribute media to other people. So we may give them a chance to answer a question real quick after that but who else here is in the room with us?
MATT BOWLER: My name is Matt Bowler. I’m a journalist I work at KCBB here…
JOHNER RIEHL: Nice.
MATT BOWLER: In San Diego.
JOHNER RIEHL: And how old is cash?
MATT BOWLER: Cash is two. I’m a father of one and I don’t think I can handle any more than one. People who did more than one on purpose I’m a little in awe.
JOHNER RIEHL: In awe that’s a nice word to say it.
MATT BOWLER: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
JOHNER RIEHL: Alright.
JR MAHON: I’m JR Mahon. I’m an executive producer for Fox 5 in San Diego. Father of three adopted children sibling group, got them all overnight, don’t have to wait nine months.
JOHNER RIEHL: Went from zero to three.
JR MAHON: From zero to three. They all open up the main door and said go.
JOHNER RIEHL: How old are they?
JR MAHON: Nine, ten and thirteen going on forty-five.
JOHNER RIEHL: Alright got it and Josh?
JOSH STACY: I’m Josh and I am the father of a boy named Zoren who’s six weeks old and a daughter named Mackena who is three years old. And I’m a quality insurance engineer here in San Diego and I work for a company called Catapult Technology.
JOHNER RIEHL: Josh has a young one.
JOSH STACY: Yes.
JOHNER RIEHL: Six weeks old.
JOSH STACY: Yes he’s six weeks old right in the middle so good perspective there.
JOHNER RIEHL: Sunny is our token mom.
SUNNY GAULT: Yeah. I’m feeling a little overwhelmed about the testosterone you guys on the room but yeah I’m producing today’s show so I’m filling in for OG Mamasita. I’m a mom of four kids. I want to tell you guys a little bit about our virtual panellist program. So if you aren’t here in San Diego but you want to participate on our show, you can follow us on Facebook and you can also join us on Twitter. Follow #parentsaversvp which stands for virtual panellist and we’ll be posting stuff throughout our recording. If you guys want to ask our dads some questions, I’m on Twitter now and I’m looking for that hash tag so another great way to participate in our shows.
JOHNER RIEHL: Great.
[Theme Music]¬¬¬
JOHNER RIEHL: Well thanks for joining us everybody. Before we start, from time to time on Parent Savers we look at apps that we recommend for families and today we found an app called Baby Bundle. It’s a basically a monitoring app but it does it really slickly and offers a little bit more and there’s a lot of apps these days and when I think about it like Quinner when Quinner was seven now and I don’t even know if we had IPhones back then. I think they don’t existed yet right?
So we didn’t have all these apps to monitor but now there’s a ton of different choices and this one’s pretty cool. It’s free. It will let you monitor kind of easily time their sleeping, their feeding, their diaper changes, pumping if mom is using it so she can time when she’s pumping and for how long and when she did it and also record measurements. But what’s also cool is it has really easy to access reference book for you know parenting guide if you have some questions.
And the other thing that this does that’s kind of cool is it’s $2.99 extra but it lets you take another device so if you have like another IPad and it lets you use that as your monitor. So you basically can set the IPad up in the baby’s room or an old phone or something and then hook it up and then add some monitor. So I have the chance to play around a little bit. Have you guys used monitoring apps like this before?
JOSH STACY: No.
JR MAHON: I used the Drop Cam for a while.
JOHNER RIEHL: The Drop Cam?
JR MAHON: The Drop Cam it’s a it’s like a wi-fi cam.
JOHNER RIEHL: Yeah.
JR MAHON: And you just plug it in and whatever wi-fi signals there…
JOHNER RIEHL: Nice.
JR MAHON: It goes into I guess you go into their secure server. It’s okay…
JOHNER RIEHL: Yeah.
JR MAHON: I did like them, you can talk to them while you were walking.
JOSH STACY: Oh that is cool.
JOHNER RIEHL: Oh that is awesome.
JR MAHON: Like if you saw them doing something they weren’t suppose you can actually yell at them. All I did was . . .
JOSH STACY: I kind of like that. It scared the hell out of my wife.
JOHNER RIEHL: But for baby bundle we’ll put a link into it on the website. Definitely we’re checking out you can track exercises, crying and responding, it’s got tips for safety proofing. It really is kind of like they don’t have instruction manuals for kids but if you were having a baby this will give you a lot of like great information so definitely checked it out. It’s free. It’s on the app store. I think it’s available for ITunes, for IPhone and also in Android.
[Theme Music]¬¬¬
JOHNER RIEHL: Welcome everybody to today’s show of Parent Savers. We are doing “ask a dad anything”. We put this out on Facebook as well and so some of them were kind of funny but when it comes to poopy diapers what do you guys think about poopy diapers because a lot of one of the comments we got is do you really not smell the diapers poopy or are you just trying to get us to change it? Who that came from? Stacy I think?
SUNNY GAULT: Yeah I think so.
JOHNER RIEHL: Yeah.
SUNNY GAULT: Yeah.
MATT BOWLER: I don’t know I always change it when I know when I you know . . . I don’t I’ve never understood that. What I do is I sleep through the night. I sleep through while crying but i…
JOHNER RIEHL: Right.
MATT BOWLER: I just sleep right through it but I won’t I don’t have a problem changing…
JOHNER RIEHL: But it’s not voluntary is it?
MATT BOWLER: No.
JOHNER RIEHL: It’s not like oh kids I’m going to act like I’m asleep.
MATT BOWLER: No.
JOHNER RIEHL: Right.
MATT BOWLER: I just don’t hear it well.
JOHNER RIEHL: The thing that I’ve heard about the poopy diaper that I think that kind of you know I always step up . . . but I’ve heard some dads like wears a badge of honour like the oh I don’t I’m not changing the diaper and it really.
MATT BOWLER: I don’t get it.
JOHNER RIEHL: Doesn’t suit well on me at all but like kids can’t do it themselves…
MATT BOWLER: Right.
JOHNER RIEHL: And it’s a pleasure for me to take care of my kids to get them clean.
MATT BOWLER: Right.
JOHNER RIEHL: It’s something they can’t do.
JR MAHON: Yeah you know for me for my own part my own family I’m actually an evangelist for poopy diapers. I love changing them because for my kids I’m so over I don’t know I don’t want to say overbearing but I’m always very attentive to my children and so if they’re fussy I’m like okay what is it are they hot? Are they you know…
JOHNER RIEHL: Right.
JR MAHON: Are they hungry?
JOHNER RIEHL: Yeah.
JR MAHON: No okay. Well it’s got to be the diaper. Check out the diaper. And what’s great about diapers nowadays is that they didn’t have when I was a kid you know they the little line on it that turns blue if it’s wet. It’s amazing. And so I just pull down the you know pull down the pants and so oh like you got you need to get change.
JOHNER RIEHL: Yeah.
JR MAHON: And so I just I’m not afraid of the poopy diaper personally.
JOHNER RIEHL: Yeah.
MATT BOWLER: I don’t understand why you would make it like a thing you know. It seems weird to make it like
JR MAHON: Yeah.
MATT BOWLER: Like a thing.
JOHNER RIEHL: I saw like a funny video once
MATT BOWLER: something my wife takes care of it’s just, it’s just weird.
JOHNER RIEHL: I agree with that, too. I think fit and I’m not defending it but you know there are some guys that prescribe to very clearly defined roles and I think
MATT BOWLER: Well I changed a diaper in the most macho way possible. When I do it it’s . . .
JOSH STACY: What do you use. . . you have a bear or. . .
MATT BOWLER: well I put him on a Harley and
JOHNER RIEHL: Smoke a cigar
MATT BOWLER: Smoke a cigar.
JR MAHON: Alright, let’s get this done, kid.
JOHNER RIEHL: Hold my dip cup.
JR MAHON: I had the distinct advantage of only having I have only three and I only had to change, we only had to change diapers on one of the kids.
JOHNER RIEHL: Nice.
JR MAHON: So when I hear parents talk about it I kind of go “hahahaha” that’s too bad
JOSH STACY: Yeah that’s too bad. You know I don’t even know if you guys want to hear it but my son actually has colitis. He’s actually allergic to milk protein and so he developed a really horrible rash you know on it take the diaper change one step further and not try to get too graphic here but because of the diaper rash in order to alleviate that we would actually have to wash it every single time so it was like you know every time he would go we’d be like alright run to the bathroom you know and rinse him off really quickly because the longer it stayed in there it would get more and more raw.
JOHNER RIEHL: Would you just go to the shower every time?
JOSH STACY: Yeah you know…
JOHNER RIEHL: Basically I would just do a shower and everything.
JOSH STACY: Yeah let’s just say that.
JOHNER RIEHL: Alright, Sunny. Got any more over there?
SUNNY GAULT: Okay so Christine-Stewart Fitzgerald who was the host of our show Twin Talks.
JOHNER RIEHL: Yeah.
SUNNY GAULT: Actually says my question for new dads. What do you think your responsibility would be to care for your newborn comparing it to the mom’s expectations?
JOHNER RIEHL: Not enough.
SUNNY GAULT: What kind of answer…
JOHNER RIEHL: Not enough expectations. You know I think that is one of the things that you said some dads I do think if we’re talking about poopy diapers again like I would take care of all the diapers.
JR MAHON: But it’s different right. So if I’m on work all day obviously I can’t to go home and help take care of the kids in the same way that she can. Now I think mothers are a lot more in tune with their kids.
JOHNER RIEHL: Right.
MAN: Than fathers are. So she’ll hear him crying or she’ll hear I just don’t even hear it.
JOHNER RIEHL: Yeah.
MAN: And she’s up and off and deal with something. I don’t even know what’s the problem yet and apparently you know so I’m just so I think mothers are a lot more in tune with that stuff than fathers are. So…
JOHNER RIEHL: I think we’re different too. For us is a learning process. Many guys take the child birth classes and you’re like oh here’s how it’s going to be but you kind of get into it you don’t realize it. And I know for us we realize that like if I had to wake up in that first hour of sleep like it wrecked me.
Like for whatever was happening with my sleep pattern like once I fell asleep like I needed to sleep like at least like an hour solid. So if I ever had to wake up like really shortly after it would just destroy me for the rest of the night. That said I can wake up at two in the morning and walk around with them for 2 hours. And I could be fine the next day and Kristina couldn’t do that so we kind of found I think what works for us.
MATT BOWLER: For me and my wife the one thing that was kind of agreed upon which I didn’t really like personally I have to say it because my wife is very considerate of the fact that you know I work all day and you know and she’s a full time student and stay at home mom.
So she’s at home all day with the kids or she’s at school and so because of that I always want to help you know take some of the burden off of her because I know how hard it is to you know deal with the kids all day long. But her being considerate of the fact that I’m work all day and then I come home and I’m a full time dad, she tries to say no just go ahead and go to sleep. I’ll take the kids all night.
JOHNER RIEHL: Right.
MATT BOWLER: But then I hear my son or even back when we have our daughter when she was newborn you know I hear them wake up crying and we co-sleep you know with our kids and so it was like okay I’m just she’s like just go on the couch and just pass out and I’m like alright fine but then I would hear her wake up at 11 o’clock…
JOHNER RIEHL: Yeah.
MATT BOWLER: 2 o’clock, 4 o’clock you know 6 o’clock and I’m just like I’m up anyway and I’m like do you need help can I make you a bottle or whatever just so anyways…
JOHNER RIEHL: But you can plan for it to be that way but in practice, it really works.
JR MAHON: Yeah. There’s a certain kind of like oh this is how I want to do it but then there’s the reality of doing it.
JOHNER RIEHL: Right.
JR MAHON: I think mothers are a lot more important at when kids are younger…
JOHNER RIEHL: Yeah.
JR MAHON: Than fathers are. I just think they are.
JOHNER RIEHL: Yeah.
JR MAHON: You know I mean.
JOSH STACY: Well the whole breastfeeding thing…
JR MAHON: Yeah they matter more. Right? Yeah.
JOHNER RIEHL: Right.
JR MAHON: And so you know they just do but as the kids get older I think the father starts to play a much bigger role.
JOHNER RIEHL: And it sort of like in the hospital too where you feel like I’m like the picker, I’m the support stuff whatever you need but not about me.
JOSH STACY: When you’re and adopted parents…
JOHNER RIEHL: Yeah.
JOSH STACY: Nothing on what you’re saying makes any sense. So like we had people, we had friends obviously that have newborns and we adopted foster kids so it’s a hell of a lot different than getting and infant in this adoption you know whatever the process is but we never had that experience. The only experience we had was all hands on deck so I can’t imagine what it’s probably was like.
So for us it’s like when you adopt kids in the foster at a foster care you have to be actually quiet when they come in because they’re scared out of their minds. They’re just scared. They don’t know what’s happening. So for us it was like the first couple of months is like why is everybody so quiet and then you figured it out oh my gosh they’re absolutely terrified. But kids still want to eat. You know kids still want some kind of attention. They still want to play in some capacity. So for us it was like all hands on deck like just hyper vigilant to the cause.
JOHNER RIEHL: Yeah and you’re just trying to get totally engaged.
JR MAHON: Yeah and you have to be.
JOHNER RIEHL: Yeah and when you’re not an adopter parents I guess there is that easing period like for the dad to some extend I mean it’s a shock to the system but as the baby grows from a sack potato for being active, it takes…
JR MAHON: Yeah you have like a pupa…
JOHNER RIEHL: Right.
JR MAHON: You got this totally helpless thing that you’re not going to leave in the middle of the floor.
JOHNER RIEHL: Right.
JR MAHON: He didn’t do much. He’s kind of sat there.
JOHNER RIEHL: Right.
JR MAHON: You know but yeah you’ve got you know a pre-teen almost. It’s totally a whole different situation.
MATT BOWLER: Yeah it’s a totally different package.
JOHNER RIEHL: Alright so this is a father’s day episode and this one came from my wife and she would really want to know what do you really want to do on father’s day? What’s an ideal father’s day for a dad?
JR MAHON: We were talking about scolkin’s didn’t we earlier.
JOSH STACY: That’s right.
JR MAHON: In mother’s day I like to watch [inaudible] and my wife and I’m like it’s whole different ball game in men. Because I really do believe like even though she’s not going to go you know do something for me, do something for me, she’s saying you know do something for me.
JOHNER RIEHL: Oh Absolutely.
JOSH STACY: For me, I don’t know about you guys but for me, it’s like you know what man I can probably left alone today.
JOHNER RIEHL: Yes that’s the thing right like I legitimately want nothing.
JR MAHON: Well yeah. That’s the present.
JOHNER RIEHL: Right.
JR MAHON: Nothing.
JOHNER RIEHL: I guess that’s the present. Nothing. But you know what’s hard is like if you look at it from even your wife’s perspective right in where she says oh I don’t want anything on mother’s day but like what did you do for mother’s day?
JR MAHON: And you better do something. Right?
JOHNER RIEHL: Right. You better do something. So she and your kids are going to take a little bit of pleasure in doing something for you for father’s day so you got to find this line of seriously don’t worry about me you will make me so much happier if you didn’t worry about me versus letting them have something to do for you. So I try to cope like Loki ideas.
JOSH STACY: Let’s watch TV all day. Yeah!
JOHNER RIEHL: That’s right.
JR MAHON: That’s exactly what mine would be. If I were to have my ideal situation I would probably just say goodnight you know let me sleep in for one. And then let me wake up and just drink my coffee at my desk without being interrupted. And then you know let me sit on my computer for probably for I don’t know 18 hours. And I’ll see you tomorrow.
JOHNER RIEHL: Watch something on Netflix because they just have no redeeming quality for any reason.
MATT BOWLER: Dudes I think we are so I don’t know about you guys but it’s a low maintenance deal. It’s a you know the whole idea of checking out on anyone on a given day like have appeals to me and we you know you do what you do as a dad it just checking out is a great time man. Man this is a great time.
JOHNER RIEHL: Well I guess that’s kind of like the trick with work to some extent. My wife works too and so like we talk a lot of but in a way work can be like this escape from all the responsibilities of parenthood in a weird way.
JR MAHON: Josh and I before we came in like.
JOHNER RIEHL: Yeah.
JR MAHON: Before you have kids it’s like oh man I got to go to work. When you have kids oh I can’t wait to get to work.
JOHNER RIEHL: Right.
MATT BOWLER: Sometimes it feels like a lot of times if you’re like because I’m more of this middle management kind of thing where it feel like a lot those parenting stuff carries….
JOHNER RIEHL: So you’re parenting people at work?
MATT BOWLER: It does feel like a lot of times yeah.
JOHNER RIEHL: Right but they’re note sleeping next to you and kicking you in the gut. Like or maybe I don’t know in work but…
MATT BOWLER: No there’s something to be said as a manager between the people you manage and the people that you mange at home. About the same speed.
JOSH STACY: Yeah well you’re he expert.
JOHNER RIEHL: Right. Here’s another one that we got on Facebook. Do you really not see the same mess that I see in the house? And mind if I talk about this?
JR MAHON: Yeah.
MATT BOWLER: This should be from my wife.
JOHNER RIEHL: Right. That like we see things differently like her scale of like oh my god the house needs to be pick up so bad and like what are you talking about? Like it’s fine. We legitimately have different scales of . . .
JR MAHON: Yeah min was the opposite. I’m the one who have….
JOHNER RIEHL: Oh are you the one?
JR MAHON: Absolutely. I have it every day. Every day when I come home I’m just oh my god what happened with the house? Look at the house it’s on completely mess. It’s look like a tornado…
JOHNER RIEHL: Well if you work all day and she was at home like you can’t really say it.
JR MAHON: No but I do I mean I have it. I’m not OCD about it but I when I get home and I’m like I’ve been busy all day long, I just want to come home and make sure that you know I don’t have to worry about you know making sure that everything else is in order before I go to sleep but I do…
JOHNER RIEHL: Right.
JR MAHON: That’s how I am that’s how I operate. I can’t sit down yeah I can’t sit down and watch TV or enjoy my kids unless all their toys are picked up out of the living room and It’s not like a completely nightmare and there is not tissues everywhere and food all over the table and all the walls you know. So I just come home like I make sure I clean everything.
JOHNER RIEHL: Yeah.
MAN: And then I get comfortable.
JOHNER RIEHL: Yeah.
MATT BOWLER: I watch this interesting show and this documentary was talking about how men and women literally see differently. Women have better peripheral vision and so they pick up on a lot more of everything what’s going on and were as man typically and this is a typical thing not a generalization but where as men intend to be they ten do look at what they’re looking at in general all the time. The show is about how this was about how do men check out women more than women check out men kind of thing and the truth is that no we both check each other out it’s just women have better peripheral vision so they do notice a lot more.
JR MAHON: They have more. They do. They literally have more peripheral vision and they don’t need to like move then…
JOHNER RIEHL: Interesting.
MATT BOWLER: Focus as much and so they don’t need to be as obvious because they can…
JOHNER RIEHL: So they’re better at it.
MATT BOWLER: They’re better at it. Yeah. But in reality women tend to see more…
JOHNER RIEHL: Right.
MATT BOWLER: This is the excuse I tell my wife. You just notice it more than I do were as I’m noticing the one thing that I’m working on and I…
JOHNER RIEHL: Yeah
MATT BOWLER: You know I…
JOSH STACY: That’s a damn good excuse by the way.
MATT BOWLER: Yeah. That’s ground in science.
JOHNER RIEHL: That’s right.
MATT BOWLER: And I’m hyper focus on what I’m focusing on.
JOHNER RIEHL: Well…
MATT BOWLER: And I get to a mess right and I see that mess and I’ll deal with that…
JOHNER RIEHL: Yeah.
MATT BOWLER: But then there’s all sort of crap all over the place.
JOHNER RIEHL: And then you get to scientifically pick up for the rest of the house.
MATT BOWLER: That’s how I no all systematically.
JR MAHON: Once it gets down like that hey I saw the show it still comes down to vacuuming the place.
JOHNER RIEHL: Exactly.
JR MAHON: Do you do that every time though?
JOSH STACY: I tried.
MAT: Hey look man I’m not picking up because you see more….
JOHNER RIEHL: Alright we’ll take a quick break when we come back we got some more questions including I want to talk about the impact that our dads on the way that we are dads. Be right back.
[Theme Music]¬¬¬
JOHNER RIEHL: Welcome back everybody to Parent Savers. Today we’re talking about dads and you can ask us anything and just some questions about being a dad. So we’re going to get to some advice a little bit later and we got some of that that came from the website but are there things that like you either consciously or unconsciously do because you have your dad did them them or do because it’s not how your dad did them like you know I think that dads can be like how we were parenting can have an effect.
For me my dad travelled a lot I remember when I think back to, what do I think about my dad he travelled a lot. He wasn’t around a lot. He’ll be around on the weekends but he was always travelling. And I’m pretty hands on to that with my boys when we do a lot of things together it’s not a conscious choice that I made the oh I really want to be around my kids all the time but I feel like that there’s somewhere on my subconscious it’s really important for me to be there just because my dad wasn’t around a lot. Have you guys have thought about that?
MATT BOWLER: That’s exactly one of the probably the key thing for me about being a dad is wanting to be present in my children’s life and not just sort of there but like there. Like being the dad you know like I’ve envy people who have a relationship with their father that you know that they’re like you know their father son relationship or father daughter relationship and so I want that for my children because my dad wasn’t there…As much as either. And I just want to be that source of that they go to you know for advice and things like that. So…
JOHNER RIEHL: Yeah I see those mean sometimes they’re like the kids will be like where’s my blanket I needed to go to the bathroom just like to mommy and then like they only ask dad like where’s mom so they can ask questions. But I want to be the one asking those questions to. I’m like so when I see those I’m like oh come on I’m your dad and you can ask some questions.
JR MAHON: My dad was always present in my life. Yeah. He’s still around we still we don’t talk he’s what for me it would accepting the kind of like man that he is. Right there’s a point where I realize oh this guy is a human being.
That happened when I was a teenager. I think it usually does when you kind of push those boundaries. But he was always around when I was a little kid. Even then for me It was and even he said this to me he said well you probably know where I screwed up so just try not to do that. You know my father is a very gruff kind of aggressive guy. And so for him it was there are a lot of things he’s like well you don’t need to be as aggressive as I was. You know he was very strict with certain things particularly with me and my older sister.
JOHNER RIEHL: Sure. But then did you try to not be strict because you [inaudible].
JR MAHON: I’m trying now to be as dogmatic in a lot of ways.
JOHNER RIEHL: Interesting.
MATT BOWLER: I you know for me it’s because I have to play at the air point my dad was he wasn’t a very strict dad but I were raise in a 100% Irish household, Diane was raised in a 100% Sicilian household. So discipline was a huge walk of everyday life. So we are very strict parents. If you ask my kids my kids will probably say yeah they’re probably pretty strict. If they ask their friends yeah the man was a strict dad.
But I don’t necessarily take it from my dad because my dad growing up was like your dad he was never around so when he was around it was usually sleeping and traveling. So I guess the one thing that I do frame up is that sense of who we are as far as how we’re raise into those household that Irish tradition that comes, the Siclian tradition I come I have a white kid, I have a Mexican white kid, and I have a black white kid so they have this crazy tapestry and for us bringing in my dad you know bringing my dad in the family is like we have a joke that they’re all Irish. So it’s really the development of what my household was like when I was a kid.
Those traditions and then the discipline that comes out of those things so I guess I don’t necessarily parent like my dad but now that you said that I don’t think I parent like him at all that’s really crazy but I do give them the sense of how we grew up. And how we grew up was a very old.
JR MAHON: Well my dad not being very present in my life. He always came at me more as a friend not a dad. And he still until this day more of a friend than a dad. And so I want to be a dad. You know what I mean and he wasn’t very easy to talk to and he still isn’t. It’s like talking to a wall even if I questions or if I’m critical of him and he gets defensive.
JOSH STACY: I feel you because like…
JR MAHON: The best time I had with my father was when we were riding a motorcycle so and we can’t talk to each other right.
JOHNER RIEHL: Yeah.
JR MAHON: Great times.
JOSH STACY: Great times spent a lot of time with you.
MATT BOWLER: I try not to be that way with my kids. I try to be super open and just talk to them and educated them and tell them why things are happening and not just be like because I told you so you know. I’m actually reason with them and you know to the point I tell I laugh and I joke and I feel like I’m [inaudible] parenthood you know with his kid [inaudible] It’s like you know trying to over educate your children to the point like dude they’re just kids let them be kids.
JR MAHON: Yeah leave them alone.
JOHNER RIEHL: Yeah.
JR MAHON: So I mean I like a lot of a stuff. I mean there was things that I like growing up. We always have dinner at 6:30. The table was set properly we do not chew with our mouth open. You know those kinds of things I think are good to carry through and that was and they’re important.
JOHNER RIEHL: Yes but did you like it at that time?
JOSH STACY: I’ll do the same thing.
JR MAHON: You know what I thought at that time was irrelevant…
JOHNER RIEHL: Right.
JR MAHON: Because I’m a kid.
JOHNER RIEHL: Yeah.
JR MAHON: My opinion doesn’t matter.
JOHNER RIEHL: Absolutely.
JR MAHON: And it didn’t matter at that time.
JOSH STACY: And I totally agree with you I mean we have friends where their kids run the households and we have a household where the parents run the household. So I totally agree like there’s that line on my household like you don’t eat until the parents are sitting.
JOHNER RIEHL: So another interesting though is you have this dad person right. If we are the regulators and the you don’t eat until I say eat and my kids have probably more say in our household than you do guys might be comfortable with but what about I feel like that persona needs to carry beyond just your house sometimes like you know I kept thinking about like being in Lego land right and you see kids like climbing on the room and seems like doing some crazy things.
And if you’re kind of only grown up around they’re kind of look at you with like oh there’s a grown up right there and I’m not saying anything. I think you need to carry the dad persona obviously not like discipline that kid or really but you need to say something.
MATT BOWLER: It’s trying to balance on how you parent your children with the way you see how other people parent their children and trying to not cross that line. You know what I mean? Because when I set my children my daughters in preschool right now and when it’s so difficult for me to raise my child to be kind and not hit or bite or be mean to other kids instil these values at her and send her off to be around all this other kids who parent their children a certain way and then she learns from them and their habits and then she comes home and brings that home with me or she cries and she’s like so and so hit me or so and so bit me and it’s like oh my gosh.
And you’ve mentioned like Lego land and being in the moment of seeing it happen. What do you do? You know I go like I can’t yell with this kid. He’s not my kid you know
JOHNER RIEHL: You’re on a different lines.
JR MAHON: You know I was raise primarily in Mexico and so in Mexico if you see a kid doing something wrong you tell them and it’s perfectly acceptable for any random person to tell some other kid that’s not yours, stop it. And that’s totally normal where in the United States it could turn into a major ting.
JOSH STACY: A lawsuit.
JR MAHON: Yeah it can turn into a lawsuit you know.
JOHNER RIEHL: Absolutely.
JR MAHON: So there’s a certain kind of cross cultural thing that I think happens were because we tend to because where we live and we tend to have a lot more of that.
JOSH STACY: We become so sensitive. I’m that dad I admit it right now and I’m the dad in the neighbourhood.
JOHNER RIEHL: Right that’s the thing you’re a dad, I’m a dad not in my house but a dad in the world.
JOSH STACY: Yeah if I see it like the other day there’s some kids you know lighting some crap on fire whatever it as down the road and break hey man that’s no that’s not how that goes. And then if me and the dad and the other mom to have a conversation well I bring it up but I mean at the end of the day…
MATT BOWLER: I get that. I’m all about that. Look when we are talking about like danger I will intervene you know but when it’s you know…
JOHNER RIEHL: You don’t like how they’re sharing.
MATT BOWLER: Yeah you know…
JOSH STACY: Right that’s you can’t really do that.
MATT BOWLER: Even that I’ll take my child out of the situation and be like look my daughter’s names was Mackenzie. I’m like Mack let’s go let’s just play over here.
JR MAHON: But then you wonder like we were off playing and there is this one little kid who became aggressive and it’s like you know I wonder how he’s going to deal with the situation. Because at some point I’m not going to be there and he has got to have this aggressive or not sharing kid there and I’m not going to able to save them and I don’t want he shouldn’t learn you know running away is always a solution but he’s going to have to be able to stand up.
JOSH STACY: Absolutely. I just think dads have a huge responsibility in the community. We have a huge responsibility in the community and I think what that means is if you see something that needs a conversation. I’m not beyond having the conversation even if it makes people uncomfortable. And you know what parenting is uncomfortable.
JOHNER RIEHL: Alright. Well we are definitely got to go but this is fun and hopefully we can get another dad roundtable again together again soon. Thanks everyone for joining us. Thanks to Matt, Jr, Josh. Thanks for Sunny for manning the computer. For more information about our show or this specific episode, go to www.parentsavers.com . We will continue the conversation after the show for members of our Parent Savers club. We talk a little bit about work life balance we touch on a bit but we got a specific topic from the bonus content.
[Theme Music]
TONI DE LORENZO: Hello Parent Savers this is Toni De Lorenzo cofounder of One Extra Ordinary Marriage where we educate, entertain, encourage and inspire you to have mind blowing intimacy in your marriage. Today we are going to talk about the benefits of kissing. So pucker up and get ready. You use to have long passionate kisses when you first met and where dating each other.
As time has passed you’ve regulated your kisses to just quick pecks, passionless and uneventful. The ability to have passionate kisses that linger afterwards and lead to nothing more are important in marriage. Kissing often becomes avoided because only one spouse wants the kiss to lead to sex. It’s important to have those kisses that simply make your spouse feel value and important.
Kisses releases a trio of chemicals, oxytocin, serotonin and dopamine into your brain these contribute to the feeling of wellbeing, the feeling of attachment and produces a calming effect. Think about what happens to you when you get a kiss from your spouse that is wow. We hear a lot about the benefits of working out for our bodies and yet what about your face? Engaging in passionate kisses with your spouse uses up to 34 facial muscles . Tighter cheeks anyone? Passionate kisses lead to the feeling of appreciated and increase self-esteem.
Both are critical in your marriage and vitally important to knowing that your spouse cherishes you. Unlike non sexual physical connection mentioned above, kissing can be a fantastic way to enhance the arousal during sex. When your lips are lock together you have a connection that binds the two of you. You now know the benefits of kissing and the importance that it has on your marriage.
It’s time to find as many opportunities you can to kiss your spouse so both of you can enjoy the benefits of kissing. Make sure to check out our bestselling book 7 days extra challenge at www.oneextraordinarymarriage.com/7days . Enter promo code “parentsavers”. Checkout and save 20% off your entire prior order. Thanks for listening to the sex talk and be sure to listen to Parent Savers for more great parenting tips in the future.
[Theme Music]
JOHNER RIEHL: That wraps up today’s show. Thank you so much for listening to Parent Savers.
Don’t forget to check out our sister shows:
• Preggie Pals for expecting parents
• The Boob Group for moms who breastfeed and
• Twin Talks for parents of multiple kids.
This is Parent Savers empowering new parents.
[Disclaimer]
This has been a New Mommy Media production. Information and material contained in this episode are presented for educational purposes only. Statements and opinions expressed in this episode are not necessarily those of New Mommy Media and should not be considered facts. Though information in which areas are related to be accurate, it is not intended to replace or substitute for professional, Medical or advisor care and should not be used for diagnosing or treating health care problem or disease or prescribing any medications. If you have questions or concerns regarding your physical or mental health or the health of your baby, please seek assistance from a qualified health care provider.
SUNNY GAULT: New Mommy Media is expanding our line up of shows for new and expecting parents. If you have an idea for a new series or if you’re a business or organization interested in joining our network of shows through a co-branded podcast, visit www.NewMommyMedia.com .
[00:33:30]
[End of Audio]
Episode Transcript
Parent Savers
Father’s Day Special: Ask Dad Anything
Please be advised, this transcription was performed from a company independent of New Mommy Media, LLC. As such, translation was required which may alter the accuracy of the transcription.
SUNNY GAULT: Hey Parent Savers, we have a special announcement before we start the show. New Mommy Media, the parent company of Parent Savers, is looking for moms and dads to join our new sales team and help so advertising on our shows. This is a great opportunity for parents who are looking for job where they can work from home and still be able to spend some time with their kids. Visit www.newmommymedia.com/jobs for details.
[Theme Music]
JOHNER RIEHL: We’re dads and you love us or something like that. But did you really understand us and what we’re thinking? Sure we may be the father of your children, your soul mate, your best friend but we admit we can also baffle and bewilder you. Today is your chance to find out anything you want from dads. We got a round table here and you can ask us anything and we promise we’ll answer. This is Parent Savers.
[Theme Music/Intro]
JOHNER RIEHL: Welcome to Parent Savers broadcasting from the birth education centre of San Diego. Parent Savers is your weekly online on the go support group for parent from the newborn years through kindergarten. I’m your host Johner Riehl. Thanks again to all of our loyal listeners who join us week in and week out and thanks also to those of you who are listening for the first time.
As you may know you can join our Parent Savers club and receive access to special bonus content after each new show plus special giveaways and discounts from time to time. If you haven’t already please make sure to download the free Parent Savers app, available in the Android and ITunes market place and for Windows phone so you can automatically have access to all the great parenting advice and conversation we have on Parents Savers every week.
Let’s start today’s conversation by meeting everyone who is joining us in the room. In addition to our dads we have some special guest at least special to me. But so my name is Johner and I’m a dad of three boys and two of them are joining us in the room today. The third one is around somewhere but I don’t know where. But hopefully…
SUNNY GAULT: Oops.
JOHNER RIEHL: Anyway we have seven year old Quinner who’s my oldest. Can you say hi?
QUINNER: Hi.
JOHNER RIEHL: And five year old Whitaker.
WHITAKER: Hi.
JOHNER RIEHL: And Quinner is here as part of his Cub Scout pact. He’s learning about broadcasting and how people distribute media to other people. So we may give them a chance to answer a question real quick after that but who else here is in the room with us?
MATT BOWLER: My name is Matt Bowler. I’m a journalist I work at KCBB here…
JOHNER RIEHL: Nice.
MATT BOWLER: In San Diego.
JOHNER RIEHL: And how old is cash?
MATT BOWLER: Cash is two. I’m a father of one and I don’t think I can handle any more than one. People who did more than one on purpose I’m a little in awe.
JOHNER RIEHL: In awe that’s a nice word to say it.
MATT BOWLER: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
JOHNER RIEHL: Alright.
JR MAHON: I’m JR Mahon. I’m an executive producer for Fox 5 in San Diego. Father of three adopted children sibling group, got them all overnight, don’t have to wait nine months.
JOHNER RIEHL: Went from zero to three.
JR MAHON: From zero to three. They all open up the main door and said go.
JOHNER RIEHL: How old are they?
JR MAHON: Nine, ten and thirteen going on forty-five.
JOHNER RIEHL: Alright got it and Josh?
JOSH STACY: I’m Josh and I am the father of a boy named Zoren who’s six weeks old and a daughter named Mackena who is three years old. And I’m a quality insurance engineer here in San Diego and I work for a company called Catapult Technology.
JOHNER RIEHL: Josh has a young one.
JOSH STACY: Yes.
JOHNER RIEHL: Six weeks old.
JOSH STACY: Yes he’s six weeks old right in the middle so good perspective there.
JOHNER RIEHL: Sunny is our token mom.
SUNNY GAULT: Yeah. I’m feeling a little overwhelmed about the testosterone you guys on the room but yeah I’m producing today’s show so I’m filling in for OG Mamasita. I’m a mom of four kids. I want to tell you guys a little bit about our virtual panellist program. So if you aren’t here in San Diego but you want to participate on our show, you can follow us on Facebook and you can also join us on Twitter. Follow #parentsaversvp which stands for virtual panellist and we’ll be posting stuff throughout our recording. If you guys want to ask our dads some questions, I’m on Twitter now and I’m looking for that hash tag so another great way to participate in our shows.
JOHNER RIEHL: Great.
[Theme Music]¬¬¬
JOHNER RIEHL: Well thanks for joining us everybody. Before we start, from time to time on Parent Savers we look at apps that we recommend for families and today we found an app called Baby Bundle. It’s a basically a monitoring app but it does it really slickly and offers a little bit more and there’s a lot of apps these days and when I think about it like Quinner when Quinner was seven now and I don’t even know if we had IPhones back then. I think they don’t existed yet right?
So we didn’t have all these apps to monitor but now there’s a ton of different choices and this one’s pretty cool. It’s free. It will let you monitor kind of easily time their sleeping, their feeding, their diaper changes, pumping if mom is using it so she can time when she’s pumping and for how long and when she did it and also record measurements. But what’s also cool is it has really easy to access reference book for you know parenting guide if you have some questions.
And the other thing that this does that’s kind of cool is it’s $2.99 extra but it lets you take another device so if you have like another IPad and it lets you use that as your monitor. So you basically can set the IPad up in the baby’s room or an old phone or something and then hook it up and then add some monitor. So I have the chance to play around a little bit. Have you guys used monitoring apps like this before?
JOSH STACY: No.
JR MAHON: I used the Drop Cam for a while.
JOHNER RIEHL: The Drop Cam?
JR MAHON: The Drop Cam it’s a it’s like a wi-fi cam.
JOHNER RIEHL: Yeah.
JR MAHON: And you just plug it in and whatever wi-fi signals there…
JOHNER RIEHL: Nice.
JR MAHON: It goes into I guess you go into their secure server. It’s okay…
JOHNER RIEHL: Yeah.
JR MAHON: I did like them, you can talk to them while you were walking.
JOSH STACY: Oh that is cool.
JOHNER RIEHL: Oh that is awesome.
JR MAHON: Like if you saw them doing something they weren’t suppose you can actually yell at them. All I did was . . .
JOSH STACY: I kind of like that. It scared the hell out of my wife.
JOHNER RIEHL: But for baby bundle we’ll put a link into it on the website. Definitely we’re checking out you can track exercises, crying and responding, it’s got tips for safety proofing. It really is kind of like they don’t have instruction manuals for kids but if you were having a baby this will give you a lot of like great information so definitely checked it out. It’s free. It’s on the app store. I think it’s available for ITunes, for IPhone and also in Android.
[Theme Music]¬¬¬
JOHNER RIEHL: Welcome everybody to today’s show of Parent Savers. We are doing “ask a dad anything”. We put this out on Facebook as well and so some of them were kind of funny but when it comes to poopy diapers what do you guys think about poopy diapers because a lot of one of the comments we got is do you really not smell the diapers poopy or are you just trying to get us to change it? Who that came from? Stacy I think?
SUNNY GAULT: Yeah I think so.
JOHNER RIEHL: Yeah.
SUNNY GAULT: Yeah.
MATT BOWLER: I don’t know I always change it when I know when I you know . . . I don’t I’ve never understood that. What I do is I sleep through the night. I sleep through while crying but i…
JOHNER RIEHL: Right.
MATT BOWLER: I just sleep right through it but I won’t I don’t have a problem changing…
JOHNER RIEHL: But it’s not voluntary is it?
MATT BOWLER: No.
JOHNER RIEHL: It’s not like oh kids I’m going to act like I’m asleep.
MATT BOWLER: No.
JOHNER RIEHL: Right.
MATT BOWLER: I just don’t hear it well.
JOHNER RIEHL: The thing that I’ve heard about the poopy diaper that I think that kind of you know I always step up . . . but I’ve heard some dads like wears a badge of honour like the oh I don’t I’m not changing the diaper and it really.
MATT BOWLER: I don’t get it.
JOHNER RIEHL: Doesn’t suit well on me at all but like kids can’t do it themselves…
MATT BOWLER: Right.
JOHNER RIEHL: And it’s a pleasure for me to take care of my kids to get them clean.
MATT BOWLER: Right.
JOHNER RIEHL: It’s something they can’t do.
JR MAHON: Yeah you know for me for my own part my own family I’m actually an evangelist for poopy diapers. I love changing them because for my kids I’m so over I don’t know I don’t want to say overbearing but I’m always very attentive to my children and so if they’re fussy I’m like okay what is it are they hot? Are they you know…
JOHNER RIEHL: Right.
JR MAHON: Are they hungry?
JOHNER RIEHL: Yeah.
JR MAHON: No okay. Well it’s got to be the diaper. Check out the diaper. And what’s great about diapers nowadays is that they didn’t have when I was a kid you know they the little line on it that turns blue if it’s wet. It’s amazing. And so I just pull down the you know pull down the pants and so oh like you got you need to get change.
JOHNER RIEHL: Yeah.
JR MAHON: And so I just I’m not afraid of the poopy diaper personally.
JOHNER RIEHL: Yeah.
MATT BOWLER: I don’t understand why you would make it like a thing you know. It seems weird to make it like
JR MAHON: Yeah.
MATT BOWLER: Like a thing.
JOHNER RIEHL: I saw like a funny video once
MATT BOWLER: something my wife takes care of it’s just, it’s just weird.
JOHNER RIEHL: I agree with that, too. I think fit and I’m not defending it but you know there are some guys that prescribe to very clearly defined roles and I think
MATT BOWLER: Well I changed a diaper in the most macho way possible. When I do it it’s . . .
JOSH STACY: What do you use. . . you have a bear or. . .
MATT BOWLER: well I put him on a Harley and
JOHNER RIEHL: Smoke a cigar
MATT BOWLER: Smoke a cigar.
JR MAHON: Alright, let’s get this done, kid.
JOHNER RIEHL: Hold my dip cup.
JR MAHON: I had the distinct advantage of only having I have only three and I only had to change, we only had to change diapers on one of the kids.
JOHNER RIEHL: Nice.
JR MAHON: So when I hear parents talk about it I kind of go “hahahaha” that’s too bad
JOSH STACY: Yeah that’s too bad. You know I don’t even know if you guys want to hear it but my son actually has colitis. He’s actually allergic to milk protein and so he developed a really horrible rash you know on it take the diaper change one step further and not try to get too graphic here but because of the diaper rash in order to alleviate that we would actually have to wash it every single time so it was like you know every time he would go we’d be like alright run to the bathroom you know and rinse him off really quickly because the longer it stayed in there it would get more and more raw.
JOHNER RIEHL: Would you just go to the shower every time?
JOSH STACY: Yeah you know…
JOHNER RIEHL: Basically I would just do a shower and everything.
JOSH STACY: Yeah let’s just say that.
JOHNER RIEHL: Alright, Sunny. Got any more over there?
SUNNY GAULT: Okay so Christine-Stewart Fitzgerald who was the host of our show Twin Talks.
JOHNER RIEHL: Yeah.
SUNNY GAULT: Actually says my question for new dads. What do you think your responsibility would be to care for your newborn comparing it to the mom’s expectations?
JOHNER RIEHL: Not enough.
SUNNY GAULT: What kind of answer…
JOHNER RIEHL: Not enough expectations. You know I think that is one of the things that you said some dads I do think if we’re talking about poopy diapers again like I would take care of all the diapers.
JR MAHON: But it’s different right. So if I’m on work all day obviously I can’t to go home and help take care of the kids in the same way that she can. Now I think mothers are a lot more in tune with their kids.
JOHNER RIEHL: Right.
MAN: Than fathers are. So she’ll hear him crying or she’ll hear I just don’t even hear it.
JOHNER RIEHL: Yeah.
MAN: And she’s up and off and deal with something. I don’t even know what’s the problem yet and apparently you know so I’m just so I think mothers are a lot more in tune with that stuff than fathers are. So…
JOHNER RIEHL: I think we’re different too. For us is a learning process. Many guys take the child birth classes and you’re like oh here’s how it’s going to be but you kind of get into it you don’t realize it. And I know for us we realize that like if I had to wake up in that first hour of sleep like it wrecked me.
Like for whatever was happening with my sleep pattern like once I fell asleep like I needed to sleep like at least like an hour solid. So if I ever had to wake up like really shortly after it would just destroy me for the rest of the night. That said I can wake up at two in the morning and walk around with them for 2 hours. And I could be fine the next day and Kristina couldn’t do that so we kind of found I think what works for us.
MATT BOWLER: For me and my wife the one thing that was kind of agreed upon which I didn’t really like personally I have to say it because my wife is very considerate of the fact that you know I work all day and you know and she’s a full time student and stay at home mom.
So she’s at home all day with the kids or she’s at school and so because of that I always want to help you know take some of the burden off of her because I know how hard it is to you know deal with the kids all day long. But her being considerate of the fact that I’m work all day and then I come home and I’m a full time dad, she tries to say no just go ahead and go to sleep. I’ll take the kids all night.
JOHNER RIEHL: Right.
MATT BOWLER: But then I hear my son or even back when we have our daughter when she was newborn you know I hear them wake up crying and we co-sleep you know with our kids and so it was like okay I’m just she’s like just go on the couch and just pass out and I’m like alright fine but then I would hear her wake up at 11 o’clock…
JOHNER RIEHL: Yeah.
MATT BOWLER: 2 o’clock, 4 o’clock you know 6 o’clock and I’m just like I’m up anyway and I’m like do you need help can I make you a bottle or whatever just so anyways…
JOHNER RIEHL: But you can plan for it to be that way but in practice, it really works.
JR MAHON: Yeah. There’s a certain kind of like oh this is how I want to do it but then there’s the reality of doing it.
JOHNER RIEHL: Right.
JR MAHON: I think mothers are a lot more important at when kids are younger…
JOHNER RIEHL: Yeah.
JR MAHON: Than fathers are. I just think they are.
JOHNER RIEHL: Yeah.
JR MAHON: You know I mean.
JOSH STACY: Well the whole breastfeeding thing…
JR MAHON: Yeah they matter more. Right? Yeah.
JOHNER RIEHL: Right.
JR MAHON: And so you know they just do but as the kids get older I think the father starts to play a much bigger role.
JOHNER RIEHL: And it sort of like in the hospital too where you feel like I’m like the picker, I’m the support stuff whatever you need but not about me.
JOSH STACY: When you’re and adopted parents…
JOHNER RIEHL: Yeah.
JOSH STACY: Nothing on what you’re saying makes any sense. So like we had people, we had friends obviously that have newborns and we adopted foster kids so it’s a hell of a lot different than getting and infant in this adoption you know whatever the process is but we never had that experience. The only experience we had was all hands on deck so I can’t imagine what it’s probably was like.
So for us it’s like when you adopt kids in the foster at a foster care you have to be actually quiet when they come in because they’re scared out of their minds. They’re just scared. They don’t know what’s happening. So for us it was like the first couple of months is like why is everybody so quiet and then you figured it out oh my gosh they’re absolutely terrified. But kids still want to eat. You know kids still want some kind of attention. They still want to play in some capacity. So for us it was like all hands on deck like just hyper vigilant to the cause.
JOHNER RIEHL: Yeah and you’re just trying to get totally engaged.
JR MAHON: Yeah and you have to be.
JOHNER RIEHL: Yeah and when you’re not an adopter parents I guess there is that easing period like for the dad to some extend I mean it’s a shock to the system but as the baby grows from a sack potato for being active, it takes…
JR MAHON: Yeah you have like a pupa…
JOHNER RIEHL: Right.
JR MAHON: You got this totally helpless thing that you’re not going to leave in the middle of the floor.
JOHNER RIEHL: Right.
JR MAHON: He didn’t do much. He’s kind of sat there.
JOHNER RIEHL: Right.
JR MAHON: You know but yeah you’ve got you know a pre-teen almost. It’s totally a whole different situation.
MATT BOWLER: Yeah it’s a totally different package.
JOHNER RIEHL: Alright so this is a father’s day episode and this one came from my wife and she would really want to know what do you really want to do on father’s day? What’s an ideal father’s day for a dad?
JR MAHON: We were talking about scolkin’s didn’t we earlier.
JOSH STACY: That’s right.
JR MAHON: In mother’s day I like to watch [inaudible] and my wife and I’m like it’s whole different ball game in men. Because I really do believe like even though she’s not going to go you know do something for me, do something for me, she’s saying you know do something for me.
JOHNER RIEHL: Oh Absolutely.
JOSH STACY: For me, I don’t know about you guys but for me, it’s like you know what man I can probably left alone today.
JOHNER RIEHL: Yes that’s the thing right like I legitimately want nothing.
JR MAHON: Well yeah. That’s the present.
JOHNER RIEHL: Right.
JR MAHON: Nothing.
JOHNER RIEHL: I guess that’s the present. Nothing. But you know what’s hard is like if you look at it from even your wife’s perspective right in where she says oh I don’t want anything on mother’s day but like what did you do for mother’s day?
JR MAHON: And you better do something. Right?
JOHNER RIEHL: Right. You better do something. So she and your kids are going to take a little bit of pleasure in doing something for you for father’s day so you got to find this line of seriously don’t worry about me you will make me so much happier if you didn’t worry about me versus letting them have something to do for you. So I try to cope like Loki ideas.
JOSH STACY: Let’s watch TV all day. Yeah!
JOHNER RIEHL: That’s right.
JR MAHON: That’s exactly what mine would be. If I were to have my ideal situation I would probably just say goodnight you know let me sleep in for one. And then let me wake up and just drink my coffee at my desk without being interrupted. And then you know let me sit on my computer for probably for I don’t know 18 hours. And I’ll see you tomorrow.
JOHNER RIEHL: Watch something on Netflix because they just have no redeeming quality for any reason.
MATT BOWLER: Dudes I think we are so I don’t know about you guys but it’s a low maintenance deal. It’s a you know the whole idea of checking out on anyone on a given day like have appeals to me and we you know you do what you do as a dad it just checking out is a great time man. Man this is a great time.
JOHNER RIEHL: Well I guess that’s kind of like the trick with work to some extent. My wife works too and so like we talk a lot of but in a way work can be like this escape from all the responsibilities of parenthood in a weird way.
JR MAHON: Josh and I before we came in like.
JOHNER RIEHL: Yeah.
JR MAHON: Before you have kids it’s like oh man I got to go to work. When you have kids oh I can’t wait to get to work.
JOHNER RIEHL: Right.
MATT BOWLER: Sometimes it feels like a lot of times if you’re like because I’m more of this middle management kind of thing where it feel like a lot those parenting stuff carries….
JOHNER RIEHL: So you’re parenting people at work?
MATT BOWLER: It does feel like a lot of times yeah.
JOHNER RIEHL: Right but they’re note sleeping next to you and kicking you in the gut. Like or maybe I don’t know in work but…
MATT BOWLER: No there’s something to be said as a manager between the people you manage and the people that you mange at home. About the same speed.
JOSH STACY: Yeah well you’re he expert.
JOHNER RIEHL: Right. Here’s another one that we got on Facebook. Do you really not see the same mess that I see in the house? And mind if I talk about this?
JR MAHON: Yeah.
MATT BOWLER: This should be from my wife.
JOHNER RIEHL: Right. That like we see things differently like her scale of like oh my god the house needs to be pick up so bad and like what are you talking about? Like it’s fine. We legitimately have different scales of . . .
JR MAHON: Yeah min was the opposite. I’m the one who have….
JOHNER RIEHL: Oh are you the one?
JR MAHON: Absolutely. I have it every day. Every day when I come home I’m just oh my god what happened with the house? Look at the house it’s on completely mess. It’s look like a tornado…
JOHNER RIEHL: Well if you work all day and she was at home like you can’t really say it.
JR MAHON: No but I do I mean I have it. I’m not OCD about it but I when I get home and I’m like I’ve been busy all day long, I just want to come home and make sure that you know I don’t have to worry about you know making sure that everything else is in order before I go to sleep but I do…
JOHNER RIEHL: Right.
JR MAHON: That’s how I am that’s how I operate. I can’t sit down yeah I can’t sit down and watch TV or enjoy my kids unless all their toys are picked up out of the living room and It’s not like a completely nightmare and there is not tissues everywhere and food all over the table and all the walls you know. So I just come home like I make sure I clean everything.
JOHNER RIEHL: Yeah.
MAN: And then I get comfortable.
JOHNER RIEHL: Yeah.
MATT BOWLER: I watch this interesting show and this documentary was talking about how men and women literally see differently. Women have better peripheral vision and so they pick up on a lot more of everything what’s going on and were as man typically and this is a typical thing not a generalization but where as men intend to be they ten do look at what they’re looking at in general all the time. The show is about how this was about how do men check out women more than women check out men kind of thing and the truth is that no we both check each other out it’s just women have better peripheral vision so they do notice a lot more.
JR MAHON: They have more. They do. They literally have more peripheral vision and they don’t need to like move then…
JOHNER RIEHL: Interesting.
MATT BOWLER: Focus as much and so they don’t need to be as obvious because they can…
JOHNER RIEHL: So they’re better at it.
MATT BOWLER: They’re better at it. Yeah. But in reality women tend to see more…
JOHNER RIEHL: Right.
MATT BOWLER: This is the excuse I tell my wife. You just notice it more than I do were as I’m noticing the one thing that I’m working on and I…
JOHNER RIEHL: Yeah
MATT BOWLER: You know I…
JOSH STACY: That’s a damn good excuse by the way.
MATT BOWLER: Yeah. That’s ground in science.
JOHNER RIEHL: That’s right.
MATT BOWLER: And I’m hyper focus on what I’m focusing on.
JOHNER RIEHL: Well…
MATT BOWLER: And I get to a mess right and I see that mess and I’ll deal with that…
JOHNER RIEHL: Yeah.
MATT BOWLER: But then there’s all sort of crap all over the place.
JOHNER RIEHL: And then you get to scientifically pick up for the rest of the house.
MATT BOWLER: That’s how I no all systematically.
JR MAHON: Once it gets down like that hey I saw the show it still comes down to vacuuming the place.
JOHNER RIEHL: Exactly.
JR MAHON: Do you do that every time though?
JOSH STACY: I tried.
MAT: Hey look man I’m not picking up because you see more….
JOHNER RIEHL: Alright we’ll take a quick break when we come back we got some more questions including I want to talk about the impact that our dads on the way that we are dads. Be right back.
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JOHNER RIEHL: Welcome back everybody to Parent Savers. Today we’re talking about dads and you can ask us anything and just some questions about being a dad. So we’re going to get to some advice a little bit later and we got some of that that came from the website but are there things that like you either consciously or unconsciously do because you have your dad did them them or do because it’s not how your dad did them like you know I think that dads can be like how we were parenting can have an effect.
For me my dad travelled a lot I remember when I think back to, what do I think about my dad he travelled a lot. He wasn’t around a lot. He’ll be around on the weekends but he was always travelling. And I’m pretty hands on to that with my boys when we do a lot of things together it’s not a conscious choice that I made the oh I really want to be around my kids all the time but I feel like that there’s somewhere on my subconscious it’s really important for me to be there just because my dad wasn’t around a lot. Have you guys have thought about that?
MATT BOWLER: That’s exactly one of the probably the key thing for me about being a dad is wanting to be present in my children’s life and not just sort of there but like there. Like being the dad you know like I’ve envy people who have a relationship with their father that you know that they’re like you know their father son relationship or father daughter relationship and so I want that for my children because my dad wasn’t there…As much as either. And I just want to be that source of that they go to you know for advice and things like that. So…
JOHNER RIEHL: Yeah I see those mean sometimes they’re like the kids will be like where’s my blanket I needed to go to the bathroom just like to mommy and then like they only ask dad like where’s mom so they can ask questions. But I want to be the one asking those questions to. I’m like so when I see those I’m like oh come on I’m your dad and you can ask some questions.
JR MAHON: My dad was always present in my life. Yeah. He’s still around we still we don’t talk he’s what for me it would accepting the kind of like man that he is. Right there’s a point where I realize oh this guy is a human being.
That happened when I was a teenager. I think it usually does when you kind of push those boundaries. But he was always around when I was a little kid. Even then for me It was and even he said this to me he said well you probably know where I screwed up so just try not to do that. You know my father is a very gruff kind of aggressive guy. And so for him it was there are a lot of things he’s like well you don’t need to be as aggressive as I was. You know he was very strict with certain things particularly with me and my older sister.
JOHNER RIEHL: Sure. But then did you try to not be strict because you [inaudible].
JR MAHON: I’m trying now to be as dogmatic in a lot of ways.
JOHNER RIEHL: Interesting.
MATT BOWLER: I you know for me it’s because I have to play at the air point my dad was he wasn’t a very strict dad but I were raise in a 100% Irish household, Diane was raised in a 100% Sicilian household. So discipline was a huge walk of everyday life. So we are very strict parents. If you ask my kids my kids will probably say yeah they’re probably pretty strict. If they ask their friends yeah the man was a strict dad.
But I don’t necessarily take it from my dad because my dad growing up was like your dad he was never around so when he was around it was usually sleeping and traveling. So I guess the one thing that I do frame up is that sense of who we are as far as how we’re raise into those household that Irish tradition that comes, the Siclian tradition I come I have a white kid, I have a Mexican white kid, and I have a black white kid so they have this crazy tapestry and for us bringing in my dad you know bringing my dad in the family is like we have a joke that they’re all Irish. So it’s really the development of what my household was like when I was a kid.
Those traditions and then the discipline that comes out of those things so I guess I don’t necessarily parent like my dad but now that you said that I don’t think I parent like him at all that’s really crazy but I do give them the sense of how we grew up. And how we grew up was a very old.
JR MAHON: Well my dad not being very present in my life. He always came at me more as a friend not a dad. And he still until this day more of a friend than a dad. And so I want to be a dad. You know what I mean and he wasn’t very easy to talk to and he still isn’t. It’s like talking to a wall even if I questions or if I’m critical of him and he gets defensive.
JOSH STACY: I feel you because like…
JR MAHON: The best time I had with my father was when we were riding a motorcycle so and we can’t talk to each other right.
JOHNER RIEHL: Yeah.
JR MAHON: Great times.
JOSH STACY: Great times spent a lot of time with you.
MATT BOWLER: I try not to be that way with my kids. I try to be super open and just talk to them and educated them and tell them why things are happening and not just be like because I told you so you know. I’m actually reason with them and you know to the point I tell I laugh and I joke and I feel like I’m [inaudible] parenthood you know with his kid [inaudible] It’s like you know trying to over educate your children to the point like dude they’re just kids let them be kids.
JR MAHON: Yeah leave them alone.
JOHNER RIEHL: Yeah.
JR MAHON: So I mean I like a lot of a stuff. I mean there was things that I like growing up. We always have dinner at 6:30. The table was set properly we do not chew with our mouth open. You know those kinds of things I think are good to carry through and that was and they’re important.
JOHNER RIEHL: Yes but did you like it at that time?
JOSH STACY: I’ll do the same thing.
JR MAHON: You know what I thought at that time was irrelevant…
JOHNER RIEHL: Right.
JR MAHON: Because I’m a kid.
JOHNER RIEHL: Yeah.
JR MAHON: My opinion doesn’t matter.
JOHNER RIEHL: Absolutely.
JR MAHON: And it didn’t matter at that time.
JOSH STACY: And I totally agree with you I mean we have friends where their kids run the households and we have a household where the parents run the household. So I totally agree like there’s that line on my household like you don’t eat until the parents are sitting.
JOHNER RIEHL: So another interesting though is you have this dad person right. If we are the regulators and the you don’t eat until I say eat and my kids have probably more say in our household than you do guys might be comfortable with but what about I feel like that persona needs to carry beyond just your house sometimes like you know I kept thinking about like being in Lego land right and you see kids like climbing on the room and seems like doing some crazy things.
And if you’re kind of only grown up around they’re kind of look at you with like oh there’s a grown up right there and I’m not saying anything. I think you need to carry the dad persona obviously not like discipline that kid or really but you need to say something.
MATT BOWLER: It’s trying to balance on how you parent your children with the way you see how other people parent their children and trying to not cross that line. You know what I mean? Because when I set my children my daughters in preschool right now and when it’s so difficult for me to raise my child to be kind and not hit or bite or be mean to other kids instil these values at her and send her off to be around all this other kids who parent their children a certain way and then she learns from them and their habits and then she comes home and brings that home with me or she cries and she’s like so and so hit me or so and so bit me and it’s like oh my gosh.
And you’ve mentioned like Lego land and being in the moment of seeing it happen. What do you do? You know I go like I can’t yell with this kid. He’s not my kid you know
JOHNER RIEHL: You’re on a different lines.
JR MAHON: You know I was raise primarily in Mexico and so in Mexico if you see a kid doing something wrong you tell them and it’s perfectly acceptable for any random person to tell some other kid that’s not yours, stop it. And that’s totally normal where in the United States it could turn into a major ting.
JOSH STACY: A lawsuit.
JR MAHON: Yeah it can turn into a lawsuit you know.
JOHNER RIEHL: Absolutely.
JR MAHON: So there’s a certain kind of cross cultural thing that I think happens were because we tend to because where we live and we tend to have a lot more of that.
JOSH STACY: We become so sensitive. I’m that dad I admit it right now and I’m the dad in the neighbourhood.
JOHNER RIEHL: Right that’s the thing you’re a dad, I’m a dad not in my house but a dad in the world.
JOSH STACY: Yeah if I see it like the other day there’s some kids you know lighting some crap on fire whatever it as down the road and break hey man that’s no that’s not how that goes. And then if me and the dad and the other mom to have a conversation well I bring it up but I mean at the end of the day…
MATT BOWLER: I get that. I’m all about that. Look when we are talking about like danger I will intervene you know but when it’s you know…
JOHNER RIEHL: You don’t like how they’re sharing.
MATT BOWLER: Yeah you know…
JOSH STACY: Right that’s you can’t really do that.
MATT BOWLER: Even that I’ll take my child out of the situation and be like look my daughter’s names was Mackenzie. I’m like Mack let’s go let’s just play over here.
JR MAHON: But then you wonder like we were off playing and there is this one little kid who became aggressive and it’s like you know I wonder how he’s going to deal with the situation. Because at some point I’m not going to be there and he has got to have this aggressive or not sharing kid there and I’m not going to able to save them and I don’t want he shouldn’t learn you know running away is always a solution but he’s going to have to be able to stand up.
JOSH STACY: Absolutely. I just think dads have a huge responsibility in the community. We have a huge responsibility in the community and I think what that means is if you see something that needs a conversation. I’m not beyond having the conversation even if it makes people uncomfortable. And you know what parenting is uncomfortable.
JOHNER RIEHL: Alright. Well we are definitely got to go but this is fun and hopefully we can get another dad roundtable again together again soon. Thanks everyone for joining us. Thanks to Matt, Jr, Josh. Thanks for Sunny for manning the computer. For more information about our show or this specific episode, go to www.parentsavers.com . We will continue the conversation after the show for members of our Parent Savers club. We talk a little bit about work life balance we touch on a bit but we got a specific topic from the bonus content.
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TONI DE LORENZO: Hello Parent Savers this is Toni De Lorenzo cofounder of One Extra Ordinary Marriage where we educate, entertain, encourage and inspire you to have mind blowing intimacy in your marriage. Today we are going to talk about the benefits of kissing. So pucker up and get ready. You use to have long passionate kisses when you first met and where dating each other.
As time has passed you’ve regulated your kisses to just quick pecks, passionless and uneventful. The ability to have passionate kisses that linger afterwards and lead to nothing more are important in marriage. Kissing often becomes avoided because only one spouse wants the kiss to lead to sex. It’s important to have those kisses that simply make your spouse feel value and important.
Kisses releases a trio of chemicals, oxytocin, serotonin and dopamine into your brain these contribute to the feeling of wellbeing, the feeling of attachment and produces a calming effect. Think about what happens to you when you get a kiss from your spouse that is wow. We hear a lot about the benefits of working out for our bodies and yet what about your face? Engaging in passionate kisses with your spouse uses up to 34 facial muscles . Tighter cheeks anyone? Passionate kisses lead to the feeling of appreciated and increase self-esteem.
Both are critical in your marriage and vitally important to knowing that your spouse cherishes you. Unlike non sexual physical connection mentioned above, kissing can be a fantastic way to enhance the arousal during sex. When your lips are lock together you have a connection that binds the two of you. You now know the benefits of kissing and the importance that it has on your marriage.
It’s time to find as many opportunities you can to kiss your spouse so both of you can enjoy the benefits of kissing. Make sure to check out our bestselling book 7 days extra challenge at www.oneextraordinarymarriage.com/7days . Enter promo code “parentsavers”. Checkout and save 20% off your entire prior order. Thanks for listening to the sex talk and be sure to listen to Parent Savers for more great parenting tips in the future.
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JOHNER RIEHL: That wraps up today’s show. Thank you so much for listening to Parent Savers.
Don’t forget to check out our sister shows:
• Preggie Pals for expecting parents
• The Boob Group for moms who breastfeed and
• Twin Talks for parents of multiple kids.
This is Parent Savers empowering new parents.
[Disclaimer]
This has been a New Mommy Media production. Information and material contained in this episode are presented for educational purposes only. Statements and opinions expressed in this episode are not necessarily those of New Mommy Media and should not be considered facts. Though information in which areas are related to be accurate, it is not intended to replace or substitute for professional, Medical or advisor care and should not be used for diagnosing or treating health care problem or disease or prescribing any medications. If you have questions or concerns regarding your physical or mental health or the health of your baby, please seek assistance from a qualified health care provider.
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